


holy hecking WHAT now

by Shleapord



Series: Social Media Verse [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anyways, DONT DO DRUGS KIDDOS, Group chat, M/M, MJ is agender because i said so and it just rlly fits her, Mr. Harrington is Tired, Oh at some point flash got a redemption, Random Updates, Secret Identity Fail, Social Media, also i forgot half of their last names, and im not a coward, avengers groupchat, civil war whats that, grammer whats grammer, groupchat, infinity war? endgame? HA, nat and clint are best friends who do weird shit, ned and betty arent dating, no beta we die like men, nobody is dating because i cant write romance, putty in my fists, ragnarok kinda happened, steve is not americas golden boy, the acadec team is chaos incarnate, they say yall because im from the south, you all know who im talkin abt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:40:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 26,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22165768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shleapord/pseuds/Shleapord
Summary: Tony Stark: HElloTony Stark: *helloSteve Rogers: HElloClint Barton: HElloBucky Barnes: HElloJames Rhodes: HElloTony Stark: shut y’alls fuckScott Lang: why is scott on the floor passed outJust another groupchat fic that I'm doing for fun. basically if somebody or a group of people does or says something weird in a groupchat im in its going here
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Brunnhilde | Valkyrie & Loki & Thor, Bruce Banner & Thor, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Everyone & Everyone, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Loki & Thor (Marvel), Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Academic Decathlon Team (Spider-Man: Homecoming)
Series: Social Media Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742806
Comments: 144
Kudos: 513





	1. tony, what the fuck

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm writing this based off of discords and group chats I'm in. also prompts (please?) and things I think of randomly.

Tony Stark created groupchat: Avengers Assemble  
Tony Stark added Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, Bucky Barnes, Scott Lang, Clint Barton, Thor, Bruce Banner, Wanda Maximoff, Sam Wilson, Stephen Strange, James Rhodes

Tony Stark: HEllo  
Tony Stark: *hello

Steve Rogers: HEllo 

Clint Barton: HEllo

Bucky Barnes: HEllo

James Rhodes: HEllo

Tony Stark: shut y’alls fuck 

Scott Lang: HOLY HECK IS THIS  
Scott Lang: AVENBER?  
Scott Lang: ??!!KS?DF

Natasha Romanov: you broke him

Scott Lang: why is Scott passed out on the floor?  
Scott Lang: why is Scott now awake and sobbing?

Natasha Romanov: is this Hope?

Scott Lang: Yes. hes awake now, taking his phone away for further notice

Tony Stark: this was a mistake but too late now

Stephen Strange left the chat

Tony Stark added Stephen Strange to the chat

Stephen Strange left the chat

Tony Stark added Stephen Strange to the chat

Tony Stark changed chat settings

Stephen Strange: let me out

Tony Stark: no

Stephen Strange: let me out

Tony Stark: no

Stephen Strange: let me out

Tony Stark: no

Stephen Strange: let me out

Tony Stark changed Stephen Strange to Mister Doctor

Natasha Romanov: get a room

James Rhodes: Tony

Tony Stark: Platypus?

James Rhodes: what the hell tony we’ve gone over this  
James Rhodes: you’re still on creating groupchats ban from college

Tony Stark: BORING 

James Rhodes: Tony  
James Rhodes: why cant i leave

Tony Stark: well mister doctor over here was trying to escape

Mister Doctor: fuck you

Bucky Barnes: well do you blame him for trying to escape

Tony Stark: okay whose side are you on

Bucky Barnes: Steve’s

Steve Rogers: <3

Natasha Romanov: Get a room

Steve Rogers: gEt A rOoM

James Rhodes: LET ME OUT

Tony Stark: no

Clint Barton: we are NOT doing this again

James Rhodes changed Tony Stark to Mister Stank

Mister Stank: Bitch

Mister Stank changed James Rhodes name to Platypus

Wanda Maximoff: whats this

Clint Barton: well my young apprentice  
Clint Barton: its a group chat

Wanda Maximoff: yeah no shit  
Wanda Maximoff: why am i on a groupchat with the avengers

Clint Barton: well  
Clint Barton: you are an avenger  
Clint Barton: you didnt know that?

Sam Wilson: why is wanda crying in the kitchen all i wanted was coffee

Natasha Romanov: she didnt know she was an avenger  
Natasha Romanov: i mean the chat is called Avengers Assemble, if you’re on it you’re an avenger

Sam Wilson: WAIT WHAT

Mister Stank: why are sam and wanda crying in the kitchen all i wanted was coffee

Scott Lang: WAIT WHAT IM AN AVENGER

Mister Stank: amendment! While sam and wanda are avengers, being in the chat does not make you an avenger! 

Scott Lang: He’s crying again, just FYI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if its weird and said in a group chat i'm in then i'll put it in a group chat on here


	2. so we need a flamethrower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint Barton: Guys murder me
> 
> Natasha Romanov: quick or slow death
> 
> Mister Stark: that was terrifyingly quick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh this.

Avengers Assemble

Clint Barton: Guys murder me

Natasha Romanov: quick or slow death

  
Mister Stark: that was terrifyingly quick

Clint Barton: my flight’s delayed so instead of India, Japan, Denver, New York  
Clint Barton: its India, Japan, San Francisco, Denver, Atlanta, New York

  
Mister Stank: why didnt you take the quinjet?

Clint Barton: shut up i forgot aboyt that

Mister Stank: i can send it now?

Clint Barton: no

Clint Barton: i choose slow death, what r u offering?

Natasha Romanov: knife, gun, strangling via rope

Clint Barton: Anything flashier?

Natasha Romanov: itll be a quick death if you want flashy

Clint Barton: mmmmm what you got

Platypus: is anybody else worried?

Natasha Romanov: okay so im thinking  
Natasha Romanov: we get a flame thrower. We go to a deserted warehouse. We get fireworks  
Natasha Romanov: you see where im going?

Clint Barton: yes  
Clint Barton: I like that  
Clint Barton: we get news crews or no?

Natasha Romanov: warehouse gotta be by a river so the water can ominously turn red five minutes beforehand via lots of paint

Clint Barton: awesome. Apocalypse style. I like it

Natasha Romanov: i call the news, timed perfectly so they arrive as the first firework goes off

Clint Barton: perfect  
Clint Barton: right, how much that gonna cost and how quickly can it be set up

Natasha Romanov: well you’ll be dead  
Natasha Romanov: so i want all of your money  
Natasha Romanov: its already set up, who do you think i am

Bucky Barnes: yall whats going on

Steve Rogers: theyre being dramatic

Clint Barton: can i give you half of my money and all of my stuff?  
Natasha Romanov: as long as you leave the other half to charity  
Natasha Romanov: im not heartless

Clint Barton: Great. See you in…. 25ish minutes?

Natasha Romanov: go time in 20 mins, bring duct tape

Clint Barton: got it. Wheres the warehouse?

Natasha Romanov: i think you already know

Clint Barton: ah  
Clint Barton: i see  
Clint Barton: all i have is glittery duct tape will that work

Natasha Romanov: i forgot something  
Natasha Romanov: we need at lease 20 home depot size buckets of glitter, doesnt matter what color

Mister Doctor: you need WHAT now?  
Mister Doctor: i thought this was a murder not a circus

Natasha Romanov: scatter it around the front and inside  
Natasha Romanov: ill be there in five

Clint Barton: gimme a sec i gotta rob home depot

Natasha Romanov: we’re on a time cruch here

Clint Barton: oh heck you

Natasha Romanov: i cant hold off the police forever

Clint Barton: you got the flamethrower?

Natasha Romanov: who do you think i am, Joe?  
Natasha Romanov: dont ask who joe is yet, my answer starts this whole thing  
Natasha Romanov: dumping paint now, where r u

Clint Barton: more police incoming, theyre following me, got the glitter

Sam Wilson: lol good luck dude im not saving you  
Sam Wilson: oh youre joking about the police  
Natasha Romanov: okay grab the glitter lets go

Clint Barton: drop time in five

Natasha Romanov: fireworks being prepped  
Natasha Romanov: news crew called

Clint Barton: glitter scattered, vans arriving  
Clint Barton: hopefully the chaos should confuse the police

Natasha Romanov: you holding the flamethrower?

Clint Barton: yep, ready when you are

Natasha Romanov: hole in the ceiling open  
Natasha Romanov: ready  
Natasha Romanov: vans arrived, ask me who it is

Wanda Maximoff: boo

Clint Barton: whos joe

Natasha Romanov: joe mama

Wanda Maximoff: JOE MAMA

Wanda Maximoff: dang it

Natasha Romanov: the news goes wild  
Natasha Romanov: the sky explodes

Clint Barton: its nice being dead

Natasha Romanov: people scream

Clint Barton: the sky explodes, i explode

Natasha Romanov: a glorious burst of sounds, light, and gunpowder fireballs out of the roof

Clint Barton: and im cackling from my throne in Hell

Mister Stank: okay what the fuck just happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear peter is coming soon
> 
> who else should i add? im adding peter, tchalla because i accidently forgot him, and maybe a seperate groupchat between peter ned and mj


	3. child no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birb Fucker #1: and thats how i was almost killed by nat in bulgaria with a spoonful of peanut butter
> 
> Missus SPYder: lies it was almond butter
> 
> Binky bornes: coward i could have done it with coconut butter
> 
> Missus SPYder: *knife emoji*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *flails* here take this

two bitches and mj

Biderman: so i just thought of something

Michael Jordan: thats new

GITC: lol burn

Biderman: SHUT  
Biderman: anyways  
Biderman: what if the avengers have a group chat

GITC: like for missions and official stuff?

Michael Jordan: no probably for being weird

Biderman: oh come on theyre the avengers  
Biderman: theyre probably all formal and use punctuation and stuff

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Birb Fucker #1: and thats how i was almost killed by nat in bulgaria with a spoonful of peanut butter

Missus SPYder: lies it was almond butter

Binky bornes: coward i could have done it with coconut butter

Missus SPYder: *knife emoji*

Mister Stank: did you type out the words “knife emoji?”

Mister Doctor: how are any of you still alive

Mister Stank: i need coffee

Two bitches and mj

Michael Jordan: dont say i didnt call it

GITC: peter why did your suit turn off are you dead

Biderman: no i got to the lab earlier than normal

GITC: how you take the same route every time

Michael Jordan: delmars was closed

Biderman: how did you know that you live nowhere near delmars

Michael Jordan: i have my ways

GITC: i texted her angrily about it this morning

Michael Jordan: fuck you

Biderman: lol mr stark left his phone unlocked and i cant find him

GITC: DO IT

Biderman: noooooo

GITC: FOR HONOR PETER IF YOU DONT DO IT WE ARENT FRIENDS ANYMORE

Michael Jordan: do it

Biderman: fINE

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Missus SPYder: so i think wanda would win

Mister Doctor: but i have more experience  
Mister Doctor: she wouldnt dare

Scarlet bitch: i wont hesitate bitch

Mister Stank: wait scarlet witch knows memes?

Birb fucker #1: who is this  
Birb fucker #1: tony calls us by weird nicknames and first names only

Mister Stank: well then

Mister Stank added Biderman to aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Biderman: hello, its ya boeirbvaldsn k,bejvpqreavs

Mister Stank: sorry about that spiderman has been detained

Missus SPYder: no my son

Birb fucker #1: wait for real?

Missus SPYder: i mean  
Missus SPYder: i dont think so

Birb fucker #1: no i mean was that really spiderman

Missus SPYder: my son

Mister Stank: i left my phone when i went to get coffee  
Mister Stank: when he came into the lab he stole it  
Mister Stank: so i took his

Biderman: hello!!!!

Mister Stank: hOW

Biderman: i am suddenly Not Here

two bitches and mj

Biderman: okay mj was right

Michael Jordan: not to imply that im not always right  
Michael Jordan: but about which thing

Biderman: the avengers groupchat

Michael Jordan: called it

GITC: YOURE ON THE GROUPCHAT??????

Michael Jordan: i cant see him but 100% ned is crying

GITC: shut this is the best day of my life

Michael Jordan: no im judging you because its not even you on the groupchat

GITC: sHUT

Michael Jordan: wait wheres peter

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Birb fucker #1: theres someone in the vents????  
Birb fucker #1: i thought i was the only one who could fit  
Birb fucker #1: SAM GET ON HERE

Birb fucker #2: change my name

Birb fucker #1: i need you to go to the vent closest to the elevator on the floor with tonys lab and make whoevers in it fall out

Mister Stank: theres the bitch

Birb fucker #2: why should i do that

Birb Fucker #1: UGH

Birb fucker #1 changed Birb Fucker #2 to On your above

On your above: on it

Biderman: WAIT

On your above: oh hey spiderman was in the vents  
On your above: he has run for it  
On your above: why is tony screaming PETER angrily

Scarlet bitch: you have two guesses and the second one is wrong

Missus SPYder: so spidermans name is peter

Mister Stank: no its not  
Mister Stank: thats the name of my new robot

Biderman: hey im back my name is peter!!

Missus SPYder: what was that tony?

Mister Stank: child no

Birb fucker #1: child you say?

Scarlet bitch: fuck yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i texted my friend in a panic because i dont know how to react to people reading my stuff and he was very helpful
> 
> seriously tho why are yall reading this


	4. 20 packs of gummy bears and green tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Biderman: does tchalla drink his respect woman juice
> 
> What are those: oh boy do i have a story for you
> 
> Furry: NO
> 
> Scarlet bitch: oh how the tables have… tabled

aVeNgErS aSS- emble

Mister Stank: i just realized something

Platypus: what

Mister Stank: i never added tchalla

Biderman: furry

Scarlet bitch: is he wrong tho

Tic Tac: no dont hes royalty

Mister Stank added T’Challa

T’Challa changed their name to Furry

Furry: whats up bitches

Biderman: i thought you said he was royalty

Mister Stank: why do people keep taking each others phones?

Furry: hi, my names T’challa. I have a huge crush on Nakia and whenever i see her i freeze. I think that crocs are acceptaibqfaslvd

Furry changed their name to T’challa

T’challa: who here knows how to make younger sister repellant

Biderman: IM CRYING I-

Binky Bornes: was that shuri?  
Binky Bornes: tell her i said hi

What are those added What are those

What are those: hi broken white boi

Binky Bornes: !!

Mister Stank: wait how?

T’challa: SHURI NO

Biderman: one of us

Scarlet bitch: one of us

What are those: one of them

What are those changed T’challa to Furry

Furry: let me out

What are those: no

Two idiots and mj

Biderman: YALL

GITC: WHAT

Michelle (J)obama: what

Biderman: the king of wakanda is on the chat now

GITC: EIRUBLAVSD seriously??????

Michelle (J)obama: is he valid

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Furry: LET ME OUT

What are those: NO

Mister Stank: highkey wanna let him out so they stop blowing up my phone

Biderman: does tchalla drink his respect woman juice

What are those: oh boy do i have a story for you

Furry: NO

Scarlet bitch: oh how the tables have… tabled

Two idiots and mj

Biderman: yes he’s valid

Suber smert

(b)abe: did we have to turn in the study guide today

Cinderella: the what now

Sallicious: study guide?

Jason borne: you would not believe your eyes if you saw mothmans thighs  
Jason borne:you would not believe your thighs if you saw mothmans eyes  
Jason borne: mothman eye thigh  
Jason borne: moth eye thigh  
Jason borne: hsdflasdjfkalwesj

Dash: what the fuck

Charlie Brown: jason is asleep now

Michelle (J)obama: he was vibrating during school today

Cinderella: yeah all hes had for three days was 20 packs of gummy bears and green tea

Salicious: why is nobody talking all of a sudden for like the past 30 seconds the chats been super active this afternoon

Beter barker: BLAZE IT

Nedward: BLAZE IT

b(abe): 4:20

Cinderella: BLAZE IT

Michelle (J)obamba: that was kinda sad

Nedward: why are we like this


	5. ned i want a divorce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nedward: AND SO WE SHALL GET A DIVORCE. I BID YOU WELL IN FINDING TRUE LOVE
> 
> Nedward: but not with me and im taking the kid
> 
> Beter barker: BUT I HAVE ALREADY FOUND IT WITH YOU
> 
> Sallyicious: bruh what is happening
> 
> Nedward: we're in the middle of a dramatic breakup
> 
> Beter barker: yeah have some respect
> 
> Sallycious: oof rip sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no explanation im sorry

Two idiots and mj

Biderman: OH FUCK ME

Biderman: I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

Morgan jeeman: nah

Biderman: someone called me babe and now im going to dramatically faint onto a velvet couch while aggressively fanning myself

GITC: HECK

GITC: SPILL

Morgan jeeman: oh god

GITC: TEA SPILL NOW

Biderman: well he can use a sword

Biderman: a sword

Biderman: A SWORD

Biderman: like i am aware that my standards are very high and that crosses all of them

Biderman: like

Biderman: point blank

GITC: oh my god

GITC: yes

Biderman: hes currently telling me to sleep like ha whos she

Morgan jeeman: whoooo

Biderman: you dont know him

Morgan jeeman: *suspicious*

Biderman: no he lives in tennessee srsly

GITC: r u vibin because you werent during school

Biderman: i got me Beans and my sweaterssssss i have never felt more tired in my life it feels like im gonna collapse but a pretty guy called me babe so yes i am vibing

Morgan jeeman: hmm

GITC: wait are you divorcing me

Morgan jeeman: before yall start take this to the acadec chat to confuse people

Biderman: i like how you think

Suber smert

Beter barker: lol ned i want a divorce

Beter barker: but i want it to be dramatic

Nedward: not again this is the third time today

Nedward: okay sure

Cindyella: that was suspiciously fast

Beter barker: ned i need you to slap me in the face as i fall to the ground sobbing about my love for you

Nedward: give me five minutes

Beter barker: okay

Beter barker: then i need you to give me a bouquet of roses made of bacon and you may carry me away in your arms

Dash: what the fuck

Sallycious: i thought it was peter who wanted the divorce?

Nedward: okay ready

Nedward: my dearest

Nedward: i wish for a divorce

Charlie brown: oofers

Nedward: *slaps you into canada*

Beter barker: BUT I LOVED YOU NEDWARD

Beter barker: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

Nedward: HONEY I AM SORRY BUT WE WERE NOT MEANT TO BE

Nedward: I WANT CUSTODY OF THE CHILD

Cindyella: who is the child

Dash: mr harrington

Beter barker: NOOO NOT THE CHILD

Beter barker: PLEASE

Beter barker: HES ALL I HAVE LEFT

Beter barker: neeeeedwaaaarrrd

Nedward: HE IS MINE, AND WILL NEVER KNOW YOUR EVIL WAYS

Nedward: *drapes hand dramatically over forehead*

Beter barker: IS THIS ABOUT THE CANDLESTICKS? I TOLD YOU IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I DIDNT MEAN TO EAT THEM YOU KNOW THAT

Jason borne: WHAT

Beter barker: PLEASE JUST DONT TAKE MY SON AWAY

Nedward: YOU SWORE TO ME THAT YOU WOULD NEVER COMMIT SUCH AN ATROCITY AGAIN, AND SO WE WERE WED BUT YOU DID IT AGAIN

Morgan jeeman: why is he talking like this

Nedward: AND SO WE WILL SEPERATE. I BID YOU WELL IN FINDING TRUE LOVE

Nedward: but not with me and im taking the kid

Beter barker: BUT I HAVE ALREADY FOUND IT WITH YOU

Sallyicious: bruh what is happening

Nedward: were in the middle of a dramatic breakup

Beter barker: yeah have some respect

Sallycious: oof rip sorry

Nedward: SCHMOOPY, I STILL LOVE YOU, BUT YOU SWORE TO ME ON YOUR WEDDING THAT YOU NEVER WOULD BE AN IDIOT AGAIN

Sallicious: @cindyella btw are you cheating on me with betty again because im about to make you commit toaster bath

Beter barker: NEDWARD, THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU HAVE LEFT ME, WHY WONT YOU SEE THAT I ALWAYS END UP IN YOUR ARMS MY SCHMOOPY. AND IT IS NOT MY FAULT I ATE SO MANY FUNNY MUSHROOMS AS A CHILD AND NOW SUFFER FROM THE BIG DUMB. I DO NOT KNOW MUCH, BUT I DO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU NEDWARD

Beter barker: i thought that cindy was married to mj

Sallycious: she is

Nedward: OH SCHMOOPY

Nedward: UWU

Jason borne: why do they call each other schmoopy

Beter barker: AHHHH *falls into arms* owowowowowo

Charlie brown: becasue mrs warrens has a rule that you cant text for any reason, not your mom, not your sick grandma, not your schmoopy boo thing

Miesteyr haringttons: you do know im in this chat right?

Beter barker: ABORT ABORT ABORT

Dash: I PLEAD THE FIFTH

Cindyella: RUN GO SCATTER HE CANT GET US ALL

Sallycious: FUCK GET OUT QUICK

Nedward: MOVE IT MOVE IT

Morgan jeeman: yall are idiots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need more names for mj im not creative
> 
> flash got some redemption before this that im too lazy to write


	6. NAT YOUR KNEE NO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Americass: oh my god i leave for three seconds and you dislocate your knee
> 
> SPYder: maybe idk
> 
> Clont: i asked somebody i know and he says you probably have ebola
> 
> Tiny bitch: NOOOOOOOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bold of you to assume i even reread what i write before copy pasting
> 
> i had no idea where i was going with this but i was typing the chapter as updates rolled in abt the friend at the urgent care so its kinda chaotic 
> 
> okay good news strained hamstring thats it

avengews assembwe

SPYder: when you pop your knee so bad you cant walk and have to get taken to urgent care because youre too far from the tower and tony has to come pick you up

Clont: you WHAT

SPYder: ha yeah

Tiny bitch: oh fun

Clont: HOW

Country roads: tell marissa i said hi

Clont: WHAT

SPYder: it just kinda happened

Clont: WH

SPYder: yee

Binky bornes: NAT  
Binky bornes: IM COMING TO THE TOWER  
Binky bornes: IM ON MY WAY

SPYder: no

Binky bornes: JESUS CHRIST YOU DISASTER HUMAN ARE YOU OKAY

On youre above: says u

SPYder: im going to urgent care ig

Binky bornes: NAT

SPYder: im okay its whatever

Clont: NAT  
Clont: WHAT

SPYder: its fine tony thinks its dislocated

Binky bornes: literally how

SPYder: yall forget that we’re superheroes?

Clont: you dont have the healing thing tho

SPYder: neither do you dumbass

Americass: oh my god i leave for three seconds and you dislocate your knee

SPYder: maybe idk

Clont: i asked somebody i know and he says you probably have ebola

Tiny bitch: NOOOOOOOO

SPYder: after talking to tony it might not be dislocated but i could have torn my hamstring

Binky bornes: NO

SPYder: not 100% but a guess

Binky bornes: HOLD UP LEMME STEAL YOUR BONES

Americass: NO STOP

SPYder: yall think youre being dramatic but i think tonys about to pass out

Tiny stank: WHY ARE WE HERE EVERYTHING IS SO BASIC LETS GO TO THE TOWER

Binky bornes: YES TOWER PLEASE

SPYder: why didnt we go to the tower anyways

Tiny stank: I PANICKED

Scarlet bitch: oh my god yall are so bad at this

Country roads: im waiting at the tower  
Country roads: i find it funny that nat is the most chill abt this when shes the one who possibly dislocated her knee

SPYder: its not even bad  
SPYder: like it could be so much worse and i would still be fine idk what yall going on abt

mister doctor: heavy sigh

Clont: WAITS HES A DOCTOR RIGHT

mister doctor: gotta blast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its almost like the author had no idea what to do with this but she got too far in and is just gonna post this shitshow anyways yolo


	7. like the catapults from alice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (b)abe: dudes
> 
> Marshmallow jabber: WHAT
> 
> Nedward: YE
> 
> (b)abe: every day of april is 4/20 this year
> 
> Beter barker: HECK

Suber smert

(b)abe: yall  
(b)abe: guys  
(b)abe: pals  
(b)abe: bros  
(b)abe: people  
(b)abe: guys  
(b)abe: guys  
(b)abe: guys  
(b)abe: lads  
(b)abe: friends  
(b)abe: yall

Dash: yes

(b)abe: dudes

Marshmallow jabber: WHAT

Nedward: YE

(b)abe: every day of april is 4/20 this year

Beter barker: HECK

Two idiots and mj

Biderman: so eyeshadow goes on the eyelid correct

Marshmallow jabber: yes?

Biderman: and rn i have a lot of extra eyelid correct

Nedward: oh no

Bidermanr: whats wrong?

Marshmallow jabber: dont

Biderman: ~~dont what~~

Nedward: dont put on eyeshadow peter

Biderman: if im gonna have a swollen eye  
Biderman: it might as well be a sparkly purple swollen eye

Marshmallow jabber: thats not how this works peter

Biderman: look at the powder  
Biderman: i wanna inhale it

Nedward: dont do drugs

Biderman: like the catapults from alice  
Biderman: caterplow  
Biderman: pillage  
Biderman: cabbage

Marshmallow jabber: ?

Nedward: ??

Biderman: caterpow  
Biderman: caterpillar  
Biderman: alice in the land

Marshmallow jabber: take your time

Biderman: the. After piller from the alice in wonder land  
Biderman: caterpillar  
Biderman: from alice im wonderland  
Biderman: my thumbs are numb

Nedward: is he okay?  
Nedward: peter dont be dead

Biderman: okay good now sleep bye

Nedward: okay then goodnight

Marshmallow jabber: its five in the afternoon

Nedward: shhhhhh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its short whoops


	8. we're both hopeless!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kinda add end notes as i write so

Suber smert

Dash: my grandmother: what happened to your eyebrow  
Me: oh shit oh shit oh shit

Manimal jam: child what did you do

Beter barker: what happened to ur eyebrow

Dash: i shaved it

Beter barker: WH

Manimal jam: nice

Nedward: WHAT

Beter barker: FLASH  
Beter barker: WHAT

Dash: its been this way for a while  
Dash: i just put a slit into it

Manimal jam: oh so i put a slit into my eyebrow and nobody cares

Beter barker: HOW  
Beter barker: how long is a hot minute

Dash: eyebrow twins

Manimal jam: but FLASH does it and everyone loses their mind

Nedward: flash is known to do weird stuff with no sleep

Manimal jam: and im not at all

Jason borne: you need sleep?

Beter barker: i can panic at u too if you want

Manimal jam: lmao i was kidding

Nedward: CHILDREN

Beter barker: too late  
Beter barker: MJ WHAT NO  
Beter barker: BAD NOOOO

Dash: let us be edgy

(b)abe: please never again say that

Beter barker: ned dont do anything stupid im watching you

Nedward: ehhhhhhh

Beter barker: neeeeeeddd

Nedward: ehhhhhhhhhhhh

Beter barker: neeeeeeeeedddddddd  
Beter barker: i will physically fight you  
Beter barker: you know what no

Manmal jam: because youre afraid of confrontation

Beter barker: shut

Nedward: im too hopeless for that  
Nedward: youre too hopeless to stop me

Beter barker: i will literally meditate so hard both of us zoom to the astral plane  
Beter barker: ned when i need to slap sense into YOU you know we have an issue  
Beter barker: it should always be the other way around

Dash: what is happening here

Nedward: me trying to do something stupid and peter trying to stop me

Charlie brown: do what?

Nedward: idk

Dash: i mean-

Nedward: am i wrong

Beter barker: like i slap you into the astral plane and teach you sanity

Nedward: okay

Beter barker: ned i'm referring to you as my magic hobo in training and you gotta call me teach and ima teach education you on the stars and earth magic

Cindyella: ????????

Nedward: hecc ye

Beter barker: meet me in the ceramic bowl section of kmart at 1:26 this thursday

Manimal jam: oh god

Beter barker: mj, youre welcome to join us, but you have to stay behinf when we enter the area rug portion

Manimal jam: um

Nedward: you can rejoin at the lamp section

Manimal jam: okay

Beter barker: ehh that iffy  
Beter barker: maybe when we reach office organizers but youll be on thin ice and no interaction, neds gotta focus

Nedward: okayyyyy

Manimal jam: ahhhh okay

Beter barker: sorry mj i can only take on one student at a time ned is a handful. You kiddos are aging me so fast i have grey hairs

Nedward: uwu

Dash: whats HAPPENING

Cindyella: ~ magic ~

Manimal jam: i didnt ask for this

Nedward: too bad

Manimal jam: okay

Beter barker: okay my children since yall are babies and i am your elder i declare myself your teacher and ill teach you all the things so youve gotta call me teach thats my name now

Nedward: no

Beter barker: yes  
Beter barker: need i astral project  
Beter barker: i will

Manimal jam: [image] (imagine a contact page but the name is just “teach” and the photo is a distorted photo of peter with a huge mouth)

Nedward: wtf

Sallicious: what is THAT

Manimal jam: he is teach

Beter barker: thank  
Beter barker: you get a peterbuck  
Beter barker: exchange then to avoid my never ending wrath

Miesteyr haringttons: why are yall like this

Beter barker: shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk fashion but assume that there was a flash Thomson redemption and now he's nice
> 
> also when ned and peter are talking abt the stars hes referencing an astrology app where you can compare horoscopes my friend and i have been feeling mutually hopeless for 2 weeks
> 
> during the magic student convo i sent a gif of doctor strange but obvs i cant do that here because sEcreT iDenTitY so


	9. if you get a divorce in alabama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beter barker: [youknowihadtodoittoem.photo]
> 
> Nedward: okay thats it we all need sleep 
> 
> Dash: okay mom
> 
> Nedward: you are now my child No Escape
> 
> Dash: wAIT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> being from the south, i have no concept of temperature besides HOT and COLD and some weird in between feeling but i dont think 32 is very cold for most people so i dropped it like... 40 degrees or smth im here to write bad fanfic not do math
> 
> i forgot i hadnt written the avengers for a hot minute so whoop

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

On your above: [picture of exercise watch showing the heart rate at 148] im gonna die

Americass: oh mine got up to 170 once but it was because i could barely breathe and my body was going into shock

Binky bornes: this was pre serum we thought he was gonna die

Scarlet bitch: my ceiling just flashed

wHaT aRe ThOsE: oop

Clont: why is it butt fuck degrees outside

Stank man: yeah that

Country roads: [screenshot of weather app that shows its -4 F outside] wh

Americass: i feel like a popsicle

On your above: good news steve

Stank man: i would like the temperature to stop

Clont: i dont like

Scarlet bitch: same  
Scarlet bitch: its too cold for this shit

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Tic tac: ah

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Stank man: im gonna cry

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: same  
Beter man: my spanish teacher wouldnt close her door and it was super chilly  
Beter man: and i sit right next to the door  
Beter man: so i was a Big Cold

SPYder: ah fun

Beter man: no  
Beter man: not fun

Suber smert

  
Nedward: im gonna cry  
Nedward: why does time go

Manimal jam: mm?

Beter barker: oh?

Nedward: oh great now im Panicking

Manimal jam: wait random thing

Nedward: where the McHeck did the minutes go

Manimal jam: haha time

Beter barker: hey did anybody know that Nikki Tutorials was trans?

Dash: not until like last week

Nedward: i saw her video on it and literally what a Queen the entire beauty community stands on her shoulders the only unproblematic Youtubed  
Nedward: youtuber

(b)abe: youtubed

Manimal jam: lowkey pissed @ some of the comments tho

Dash: yeah i want to kill some commenters

Beter barker: sleep  
Beter barker: i need sleep

Nedward: meeeeee  
Nedward: i want hot chocolate  
Nedward: or mac n cheese  
Nedward: either one

Maninal jam: yall ever just nope

Cindyella: always

Dash: Hot Chocolat

Beter barker: i wanted some but SOMEONE stole all the milk  
Beter barker: ned

Nedward: sorry, im Jason, 19

Jason borne: YOU CALLED?

Manimal jam: old joke

Dash: its Jared, 19

Nedward: no that was definitely part of the joke

Jason borne: yeah that

Manimal jam: i plead the fifth

Beter barker: aisvdbl  
Beter barker: i started writing at 3  
Beter barker: the conclusion hurt me so

(b)abe: use water coward

Beter barker: [picture of the conclusion of an essay on a computer screen with a thumbs up]  
Beter barker: YES

(b)abe: [extremely zoomed in and cropped screenshot of the previous photo, showing a tab that reads “cult-”  
(b)abe: uhhhhhhh

Beter barker: i can explain

Nedward: YOU SAID YOU WOULD ONLY STAY IN MINE

Beter barker: LOOK [the tab is clicked on, the full word reads “cultures”]

Nedward: YOU ARE CHEATING ON ME

Dash: its shortened to cultures?

Nedward: thank god

Beter barker: i would never leave your cult what do you take me for

Manimal jam: its a front ned

Nedward: OH NO

Beter barker: wait dont-

Manimal jam: pete its okay if you want to be in an open relationship we understand  
Manimal jam: you do have to lie we support you

Nedward: well you did move in with mr stark

Beter barker: IEUHAWRLVSNDK NED NO

Dash: we all knew

Cindyella: it was very obvious

(b)abe: like super ovbious

Beter barker: aNYWAYS  
Beter barker: i cant believe you thought i would cheat on yall like that  
Beter barker: maybe i should leave after all :(

Manimal jam: nah we still love you  
Manimal jam: look you even got a nickname

Nedward: yeah! Spidey!

Beter barker: NED HOLY FUCK NO DONT

Dash: OH MY GOD

Beter barker: NED WHY

Dash: GUYS PETER

Beter barker: this is the end

Dash: YALL PETER CURSED GET OVER HERE

Dash: @everyone  
Dash: @everyone  
Cindyella: i didnt know that was possible wow

(b)abe: @charlie brown: DUDE LOOK HE CURSED

Charlie brown: *wipes tear* little peter… all grown up

Beter barker: im the same age as you smh

Jason borne: PETER THATS A BAD NO NO WORD DONT

Sallycious: why did yall @ me i was asleep

Sallycious: peter wow okay so you can curse

mEiStEr HaRrInGtOn: peter

Beter barker: (crap)

mEiStEr HaRrInGtOn: watch your language

Beter barker: I Came Here To Have A Good Time And Honestly Im Feeling So Attacked Right Now

Beter barker: but srsly why arent yall reacting to…  
Beter barker: you know that

Dash: speaking on the behalf of the entire acadec team  
Dash: you are so bad at keeping secrets it was kinda fun honestly

Jason Borne: well you see my bag… dissapeared

(b)abe: oH HECK the avengers are fighting somewhere far away gotta go just in case there danger right! Haha! oh hey everybody look spideys there now when did that happen

Cindyella: i WaS lAtE bEcAuSe I sAw A dOg

Beter barker: okay in my defense i really had seen a dog

mEiStEr HaRrInGtOn: uh hey yeah i dont have my homework because uhhh……….  
mEiStEr HaRrInGtOn: me, knowing full well there was a fire last night that spiderman was at for hours: yeah okay go sit down

Beter barker: oh i was wondering why you did that!!!!!!!  
Beter barker: thanks for that also uwu

Manimal jam: you just had to do it

Beter barker: [youknowihadtodoittoem.photo]

Nedward: okay thats it we all need sleep

Dash: okay mom

Nedward: you are now my child No Escape

Dash: wAIT-

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Clont: if you get a divorce in alabama  
Clont: are you still brother and sister

SPYder: nah

On your above: youre ex brother ex sister

Scarlet Bitch: hello this is my dad also my dad in law

Stank man: yes

Scarlet bitch: also my husband

Clont: yall my kid just slammed his hand into a door and his whole ass nail fell off

Stank man: kill him then

SPYder: i’d like to see you try  
SPYder: im watching a tiny house tour and this guy just referred to his child as “the kid”  
SPYder: im shook

Clont: he legit has no thumb nail its like dangling theres a lot of blood and i think its broken

wHaT aRe ThOsE: ewwww

Clont: yall im kinda worried there was a lot of blood and he like wasnt acting good

Binky bornes: ah sorry im late r u good

Clont: im fine the child is not

wHaT aRe ThOsE: Owo

Binky bornes: thats not good?

Clont: yeah like his nail detached from the bottom but then top was still attached idk im just worried it looked like it hurt a bitch

Americass: LaNgUaGe

SPYder: thank you for your contribution

wHaT aRe ThOsE: oof i hope it feels better

Stank man: wait is this lila, cooper or nate

Clont: nate

SPYder: no my baby

Suber smert

Beter man: so yeah thats how i got a bullet pulled out of my butt by deadpool

Dash: that was a wild story from start to finish

Cindyella: please bed i cant take more of this

Beter man: well actually there was this one time where ned stole my mask so i had to chase him in the suit with a traffic cone over my face because Secret Identity

Nedward: OKAY BED NOW SLEEP GOODNIGHT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *edit, i have been informed by a friend that its Jared, 19 not jason so guess whos the Resident Jared now bois**so i added somebody calling them out because why not*
> 
> oh! are ned, peter and MJ dating? tell me what you think and also i need more bad names for mj in the group chat  
> also i did see a fanart of that last scene with ned and the traffic cone a while ago and i cant FIND IT


	10. not hopeless, just bi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beter man: was no one gonna tell me that the dead guy from big hero six and the onceler are dating
> 
> furry: WHAT

Spidey gang

Beter man: i have made the executive decision that im not gonna sleep at night

Sallycious: only during day?

Beter man: yes  
Beter man: nocturnal

Nedward: PETER  
Nedward: NO  
Nedward: YOU NEED SLEEP

Beter man: whos that whos she

Nedward: ILY  
Nedward: BUT YOU MUST SLEEP

Beter man: nah

Nedward: IN ORDER TO NOT DIE

Cindyella: im with ned

Nedward: YEAH

Mash jotatoes: i want food but idk what

Dash: this song  
Dash: feelings  
Dash: oof

Sallycious: what song

Dash: 4th of july by sufjan stevens

Beter man: i just spent the last 10 minutes screaming into my pillow

Mash jotatoes: fun

Beter man: yall my keyboard just dissapeared  
Beter man: look [screenshot of a messaging app, the keyboard isnt there]

Nedward: oh

Beter man: im good now but that was weird

Dash: mine does that sometimes

Beter man: IT HAPPENED AGAIN

(b)abe: am confusion

Nedward: go to sleep

(b)abe: but

Nedward: do it

(b)abe: okay

Beter man: AHHHHHH  
Beter man: AHSOFF  
Beter man: GUYS IM WIRED  
Beter man: IM ZAZZED

nedward: oh no

Mash jotatoes: what should i eat

Beter man: IM SO HAPPYY  
Beter man: eat pizza  
Beter man: or chocolate

Mash jotatoes: i dont have either

Beter man: what do you have then

Mash jotatoes: i have pickles  
Mash jotatoes: will eat pickles

Beter man: yes!! You go!!!!  
Beter man: IM SO HAPPY  
Beter man: IM WITED  
Beter man: I ZAZZED

Dash: oh wow youre alive

Beter man: I KNOW  
Beter man: IK LEGIT WIRED  
Beter man: I FEEL AS IF SOMEBODY PLUGGED AN STARKPHONE CHARGER INTO MY BRAIN  
Beter man: INWILL NOT SLEEP

Spidey gang

  
Dash: my voice really said ima head out

Spidey gang

  
Cindyella: oof u good?

Dash: now i am yeet

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

  
Clont: i have a paper cuuuuuuuuut

SPYder: you have a bullet wound take care of that first idiot

Clont: saaaaam

On your above: what

Clont: immm looove youuuuuuuuu

On your above: nat how high is he

SPYder: he isnt hes just being stupid

Clont: tony is a dick

On your above: oh???

Clont: will tell later  
Clont: being attacked

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

  
On your above: so tony

Clont: HE BLOCKED SOME OF THE VENTS

On your above: oh hell no

Spidey gang

Dash: lol my mom is batshit crazy  
Dash: her rocker is out the window  
Dash: in the rafters

Nedward: oh?

Dash: like she aint all here anymore

Beter barker: oh no r u okay?

Nedward: o h ?

Mash jotatoes: explain

Dash: tis time to break the news that im an idiot

Nedward: news?

Mash jotatoes: we’ve been knew  
Mash jotatoes: but whats up

Nedward: sky

Charlie brown: your mom

Nedward: joe

Mash jotatoes: Joseph Mother is his full name dont be rude

Dash: i was talking abt phineas and ferb and spelled it phony and fern and now im here to explain the fact that i am indeed an idiot

Beter man: of course

Dash: phony and fern  
Dash: yes  
Dash: my favorite show

Beter man: a true work of art  
Beter man: MUURRRRM PHONY AND FERN ARE DOING SOMETING AGAIN

Two idiots and MJ

Beter man: me: im a hopeless bi  
Beter man: may: youre not hopeless, just bi

Mash jotatoes: we love

Nedward: yes we do

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: was no one gonna tell me that the dead guy from big hero six and the onceler are dating  
Beter man: did you know ancient penguins were seven feet tall  
Beter man: SEVEN FEET  
Beter man: do we have raccoon hands or do racoons have people hands  
Beter man: human hands on non human things are genuinely the most terrifying thing i can imagine  
Beter man: im crying and i dont remember why  
Beter man: i dont think theres a reason

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Stank man: oh jesus christ  
Stank man: peter are you okay

Beter man: WRONG CHAT WRONG CHAT WRONG CHAT

wHaT aRe ThOsE: mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what to do with relationships like. who is peter dating? ned and mj? just ned or mj? harley who i mentioned a few chapters ago and have ignored since? nobody, just a lot of flirting? how do people write this stuff kudos to other writers  
> the rambling at the end happened sometime in the middle of the night btw
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated!!


	11. bruce is TiredTM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thunder: thor has been tackled
> 
> Thunder: well i say tackled  
> Thunder: thor has been jumped on by loki in an attempt to tackle him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruce did not sign up for this shit

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Tictac: i had a dream abt pineapple pizza and all of us soliciting prostitudes

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Mister Doctor: why

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: i am 16 and 2 months and i still cant drive because apparently i “damage property and mental health and the police have to get involved” which is so rude

Stank man: well i mean like

Beter man: i want to drive into the sun

SPYder: dont we all

Beter man: but alas

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: [image]

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: i have no recollection of sending that image

lAnGuAgE: okay

Beter man: I WANT A VIKING FUNERAL

On your above: peter  
On your above: no

SPYder: youre not allowed to die ever

Beter man: IF I DIE

Stank man: NO

Beter man: I WANT TO BE PLOPPED ONTO A FLAMING BOAT  
Beter man: AND BE SENT OFF INTO THE SUNSET

Stank man: this would be a good topic for thor if he was here

Lightning bring the: HELLO

Stank man: SINCE WHEN WERE YOU HERE WTF

lAnGuAgE: lAnGuAgE

Stank man: shut up

Stank man: SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN HERE??

Lightning bring the: i have been on this since the start, i simply havent been able to send or receive messages since you know

Thunder: we’re in space

Clont: THOR

Lightning bring the: CLINT

Stank man: BRUCIE

Thunder: tony

lAnGuAgE: PETER

Beter man: MISTER AMERICA CAPTAIN SIR YES SIR

Stank man: IM CRYING

Thunder: who is this youre amazing

Beter man: oh my god!!!!  
Beter man: YOURE BRUCE BANNER?????!!!!!!!

Thunder: ??

Beter man: i love your work so much!!!!  
Beter man: youre like!! My favorite scientist ever!!!!!!!!!!!

Stank man: wait-

Lightning bring the: wow bruce is crying now

Thunder: i would die for this person

lAnGuAgE: wait how can yall suddenly text  
lAnGuAgE: i thought yall were in space

Lightning bring the: oh well we’re coming back to earth!

Thunder: thor you should probably tell them the slightly more important bit

Lightning bring the: what important bit?

Thunder: oh my god

Thunder: asgard was blown up because thor started ragnarok or smth nobody ever actually explained it to me

Stank man: well i have space in the tower for you and thor i never got rid of your rooms

Thunder: we also have a few hundred asgardian refugees on board

Stank man: problem

Lightning bring the: oh i remembered the important bit

Thunder: yeah i just told them thor

Lightning bring the: no not that

lAnGuAgE: what could possibly be more important than what you just told us

Lightning bring the: loki is back!!!!!!!

Thunder: *unenthuastic clapping*

Stank man: WHAT

Clont: OH HELL NO

lAnGuAgE: last i heard he was dead????

Thunder: yeah last i heard he was dead too it happens three times a week

Lightning bring the: LOKI IS DEAD?? NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Thunder: three times a week

Lightning bring the: LOKI IM SO SORRY YOURE THE BEST BROTHER EVER ITS NOT YOUR FAULT COME BACK

Thunder: i put up with this shit three times a week  
Thunder: minimum

Stank man: what is HAPPENING

Thunder: thor thinks loki is dead  
Thunder: again

lAnGuAgE: is he?

Clont: he better fuckin be

Lightning bring the: LOKI PLEASE DONT BE DEAD I MISS YOU

Thunder: OH MY GOD

Thunder added snek to aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Thunder: HE IS ALIVE

Snek: SHUT IM HIDING

Lightning bring the: LOKI?

Snek: no im dead

Lightning bring the: YOURE ALIVE!!!!

Snek: banner

Thunder: hi

Stank man: WHAT THE  
Stank man: WHY IS LOKI HERE

Clont: PLEASE KILL HIM AGAIN

Snek: banner

Thunder: hi

Snek: are those the avengers

Clont: FUCK YOU

Oh my god he’s alive thor

Snek: banner why am i on a chat with the avengers

Thunder: because thor thought you were dead  
Thunder: again

Lightning bring the: loki youre alive!!!!

Snek: really? I am? Didnt know that okay  
Snek: you three have a chat solely dedicated to assuring thor im alive text on this

Valkurry: when we get to earth we’ll have to meet the avengers anyways might as well start now

Thunder: im just making you do it now so they dont freak out as much in person

Snek: stop being smart

Lightning bring the: he has 7 phd’s!

Thunder: yes thank you

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: why are we all freaking out?

Stank man: BECAUSE LOKI IS ALIVE????

Clont: AND COMING TO EARTH

Beter man: but he’s not bad tho

Stank man: why would you say that  
Stank man: he destroyed new york

Beter man: he was mind controlled?  
Beter man: did you actually watch footage

Stank man: he wasnt acting all that mind controlled

Beter man: hold up i have screenshots of a convo with ned and mj where we talked about this  
Beter man: [image] [image] [image]

Biderman: hot take loki was mind controlled

Mmmm jay: wait

GITC: that makes sense tho

Biderman: think about it  
Biderman: in the myths he was the god of trickery and mischief

Mmmm jay: and that requires subtlety

GITC: and whatever happened was not subtle

Biderman: also that might have been the stupidest way of conquering earth  
Biderman: i mean personally if i wanted to conquer earth i would do it in a way that didnt include trying to take over a big city at the very start with superpowed people and a global security system

GITC: so i get what you mean but why have you thought about that

Biderman: shhhhhh

Mmmm jay: plus didnt he set up a Big Portal on top of STARK TOWER?  
Mmmm jay: like you got to earth just fine via the tesseract why not bring the whole army through that way

GITC: and he just went and  
GITC: in the middle of germany i think??  
GITC: okay rewatched the video  
GITC: just stood there showing off the fact that he had magic and telling people his plan like

Biderman: dang it sure would suck if SOMEBODY WERE TO STOP ME

GITC: THOR

Mmmm jay: oh i have fought Two of you whoops defeated aint that convenient take me away boys

GITC: take me away

Biderman: (take me away)

Stank man: huh  
Stank man: that  
Stank man: huh

Lighning bring the: the images are correct!

Thunder: he was mind controlled apparently

Snek: yeah i was mind controlled

Beter man: CALLED IT

Two idiots and mj

Biderman: so you know how we were talking abt loki being mind controlled right

GITC: yeah like last year

Mmmm whatcha J: why are you saying this

Biderman: well you see

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: ned and mj say they helped call it

Clont: dont like this

Lightning bring the: loki is good! Its okay

Thunder: good is a relative term

Snek: most people are not at risk of being stabbed

Stank man: oh yay

Thunder: loki dont

Snek: FINE

lAnGuAgE: dont what?

Lightning bring the: loki please dont stab me again

Stank man: again?

Clont: i told you he was a threat!

Thunder: this happens all the time

Lightning bring the: oh! Actually when we were eightehorw

Thunder: thor has been tackled  
Thunder: well i say tackled  
Thunder: thor has been jumped on by loki in an attempt to tackle him

Lightning bring the: lol loser

Thunder: when did you get here give me that

lAnGuAgE: who is that?

Lightning bring the: thor has been stabbed ha

Clont: WHAT

Thunder: thor gets stabbed a lot its fine

Lightning bring the: oh actually this could get interesting

Stank man: who is this?????

Thunder: i cant pronounce it

Lightning bring the: Valkyrie

lAnGuAgE: oh yay i love things named valkyrie

Clont: was that sarcasm i detected?

Stank man: oh rite the plane u crashed was called the valkyrie

Thunder: thor has been stabbed again

Snek: banner help

Thunder: no

Lightning bring the: oh i will

Snek: NO

Lightning bring the: or you can be rude about it ig

Beter man: wait a valkyrie?  
Beter man: valkyries are super cool!!!!  
Beter man: when i was younger i wanted to be a valkyrie because like  
Beter man: FLYING HORSE HECC YEA

Lightning bring the: i-

Clont: we lost another one boys

SPYder: what is going on here

Stank man: well you see brucie and thor are alive and in space and coming to earth.

SPYder: oh cool

Stank man: they also have a few hundred refugees because apparently thor blew up his planet

SPYder: less cool wtf

Stank man: apparently loki is alive and with them

SPYder: not cool

Beter man: but! He’s good he was mind controlled

SPYder: ...cool?

Stank man: and now loki and thor are fighting, thor has been stabbed at least twice, and a valkyrie has thor’s communication device thing

SPYder: okay why not

Thunder: k loki has been knocked out  
Thunder: oh no i lied

Lightning bring the: PLOT TWIST??

Clont: what

Thunder: an illusion was “knocked out,” Snake Loki stabbed thor again

Stank man: why my

SPYder: im cheering for loki

Thunder: bad idea he always loses

Lightning bring the: i call it Younger Sibling Syndrome

beter man: i still want a viking funeral tho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all i want to do if i die is to be plopped onto a flaming boat and yote into the ocean is that too much to ask
> 
> honestly i forgot if there was a reason loki couldnt use the tesseract to bring thru the army tell me if there is plz


	12. names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so i recently got a comment about names, so i made this list. anytime a name changes i'll update this chapter at the same time the new chapter gets posted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mj is kinda whatever name throughout the work. basically she's the benicdoot cucumber of the fic. if its two words that start with M J and it sounds like her, its probably her. therefore im not listing every single name on the lists below

Avengers Assemble/aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe/ aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Tony Stark: mister stank, tiny stank, stank man

Steve Rogers: americass, lAnGuAgE, 

Natasha Romanov: missus SPYder, SPYder

Bucky Barnes: binky bornes

Scott Lang: Tic Tac, tiny bitch, tictac, 

Clint Barton: birb fucker #1, clont

Thor: lightning bring the

Bruce Banner: thunder

Loki: snek

Wanda Maximoff: scarlet bitch

Sam Wilson: birb fucker #2, on your above, 

Steven Strange: Mister Doctor, 

James Rhodes: platypus, country roads, 

Peter Parker: biderman

T’challa: furry, t’challa, 

Shuri: what are those, wHaT aRe ThOsE

Two bitches and mj/ two idiots and mj (i only realized i had changed the name when making this list oops)  
Peter Parker: biderman

Ned Leeds: GITC (stands for Guy In The Chair)

Michelle Jones

Suber smert/ spidey gang/ spidey squad/spidey suad/PETER STOP TAKING THE Q OUT OF SPIDEY SQUAD/PETER STOP TAKING THE Q OUT OF SPIDEY SUAD 

Cindy Moon: cindyella

Sally Avril: sallicious

Jason: Jason borne

Flash/Eugene Thompson: dash

Charles: charlie brown

Ned Leeds: nedward

Peter Parker: beter barker, beter man

Abe Brown: (b)abe

Michelle Jones

Mister harrington: Miesteyr haringttons, mEiStEr HaRrInGtOn, Miesdter hiearrugngton

Oh my god he’s alive thor

Loki: snek

Thor: lightning bring the

Valkyrie: valkurry

Bruce Banner: thunder

GITC and Spidey

Ned Leeds: GITC (guy in the chair)

Peter Parker: Spidey

Beter man and Dash

Peter Parker: beter man

Flash Thompson: Dash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i forget some of their names from chapter to chapter so thats half the reason there are so many name changes
> 
> sorry this isnt a real chapter, i'll have one out soon!


	13. THREE ELEPHANTS?????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beter man: and we were GOING to go to the bronx zoo but there are no african bush elephants there
> 
> Stank man: OH MY GOD
> 
> Language: no it gets worse  
> Language: i didnt agree to this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote the start of this at 11 last night and just kept going today so heres this
> 
> you know whats annoying? i have to post the chapter then go back and edit it to get the formatting right it wont let me post with the right formatting ufuhvfvwivfw

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

SPYder: so like hypothetically

Stank man: oh my god whos dead

SPYder: in my defense

Stank man: did clint do it

Clont: actually this time

Stank man: BUCKY

Binky bornes: peter did it

Beter man: DUDE

Stank man: oh my god what did you do

Beter man: so THEY wanted to test my strength right  
Beter man: so THEY had me do a weight lifting competition with mister captain america sir yes sir right

Stank man: thats worse than mister stark please keep doing it  
Stank man: wait what did you do

Beter man: and we hit something around 3 tons? And we could still go but there was nothing else in the gym  
Beter man: and we were GOING to go to the bronx zoo but there are no african bush elephants there

Stank man: OH MY GOD

Language: no it gets worse  
Language: i didnt agree to this

Clont: and we checked all the other zoos in the area but there were no african bush elephants apparently theyre not common in captivity or smth

SPYder: then bucky has the BRILLIANT idea  
SPYder: “lets just go to wakanda its in africa, africa has elephants”

Binky bornes: so now we’re in wakanda

Stank man: PETER HOLY SHIT NO

Beter barker: brb

SPYder: brb

Clont: brb

Binky bornes: brb

Language: brb

Stank man: GUYS NO

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Binky bornes: oh my god

SPYder: plot fukin twist???

Clont: WOAH

Stank man: WHATS HAPPENING

SPYder: so  
SPYder: african bush elephants right

Stank man: oh my god has he been trampled??

Binky bornes: no the elephants like the two of them

Clont: not me

SPYder: oh yeah the elephants dont like him he’s in a tree

Stank man: whats going on over there??

What are those: what are yall doing here  
What are those: what are you doing  
What are those: WHAT THE

Stank man: guys im going to cry whats happening

SPYder: peter is lifting  
SPYder: holy shit

Clont: three?????

Binky bornes: peter is holding three elephants WHAT

What are those: how is he doing that i know how heavy they are

Stank man: just looked it up  
Stank man: WHAT

Binky bornes: SHURI WHAT KIND OF ELEPHANT ARE THOSE

What are those: a male, a female and a calf

Language: i managed to lift the female thats it how is he so STRONG

Beter barker: i love those elephants more than anything

SPYder: child im so proud of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so short whoops
> 
> i did so much research for this too. apparently peter can lift 10 tons, or 20,000 lbs. steve can lift 800 lbs. SO THERE THAT


	14. because youre breaking your fast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Biderman: GUYS  
> Biderman: BREAKFAST
> 
> GITC: yes
> 
> Biderman: ITS CALLED BREAKFAST  
> Biderman: BECAUSE YOURE BREAKING YOUR FAST
> 
> Mean jirls: rEaLlY?

Two idiots and mj

Biderman: god im such a slut for heated blankets  
Biderman: like literally i’ve spent the entire weekend under a heated blanket and i have no intention of leaving

Mean jirls: mood

GITC: me using my weighted blanket rn:

Biderman: heated weighted blanket

Mean jirls: yesss

GITC: YES

Two idiots and MJ

Biderman: GUYS  
Biderman: BREAKFAST

GITC: yes

Biderman: ITS CALLED BREAKFAST  
Biderman: BECAUSE YOURE BREAKING YOUR FAST

Mean jirls: rEaLlY?

Biderman: DID OTHER PEOPLE KNOW THIS

GITC: kinda

Biderman: THIS IS LIKE WHEN I FOUND OUT BOOZY CAME FROM BOURGEOIS

Mean jirls: but actually the “really” was meant for the first part  
Mean jirls: you were like BREAKFAST IS CALLED BREAKFAST and i was like nah for real?

Biderman: i am 10/10 intelligent

GITC: 10/10 smarts all around

Spidey squad

Biderman: BLAZE IT

Nedward: DAMMIT

Biderman: uwu

Nedward: ( ಠ ͜ʖಠ)

Biderman: WHAT  
Biderman:(•⊙ω⊙•)

Nedward: ( ‾ʖ̫‾)

Biderman:(• ε •)

Nedward: (ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง

Biderman:( ͡ಥ ͜ʖ ͡ಥ)

Nedward: °٢°

Biderman:٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶

Nedward: ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

Biderman:٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

Nedward: (*≗*)

Biderman:( • )( • )ԅ(≖⌣≖ԅ)

Nedward: ｡*ﾟ.*.｡(っ ᐛ )っ✂╰⋃╯

Biderman:ヽ(ﾟｰﾟ*ヽ)ヽ(*ﾟｰﾟ*)ﾉ(ﾉ*ﾟｰﾟ)ﾉ

Nedward: Ü

Biderman:ᕕ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ᕗ

Nedward: how long are we gonna do this

Biderman: idk

Dash: no

Biderman: lets stop

Dash: please

Nedward: yes

Cindyella: i want to put lotion in my hair  
Cindyella: what do you think would happen

Nedward: it can be used as conditioner

Cindyella: really?

Nedward: ive dont it

Cindyella: like dawn dish soap can be used as shampoo  
Cindyella: see yall on the other side

Dash: i-  
Dash: no

Cindyella: yes

Dash: okay then

Nedward: buy them in bulk  
Nedward: two uses

(b)abe: I SIT NEXT TO A FURRY IN ALGEBRA ITS HORRIBLE

Mean jirls: WHAT

(b)abe: YEAH I KNOW

Beter man: i would like you to know that  
Beter man: [screenshot of a weird, glitched text app]  
Beter man: THAT FURRY MESSAGE BROKE MY PHONE

(b)abe: OH  
(b)abe: YEAH HIS FURSONA IS SKYE AND PLS HELP

Beter man: PH MY GOD YIURE NOT JOKIBG

Dash: theres a kid in chem who’s sexually attracted to sharks

Beter man: is it matthew

Dash: no its corbin

Mean jirls: I KNEW SOMETHING WAS OFF

Nedward: OH MY GOD

(b)abe: im not kidding tho

Dash: neither am i

Sallyicious: no i believe  
Sallyicious: i hate it but

Charlie brown: i believe

(b)abe: he has more than 1 fursona btw

Dash: nope

Beter man: SFD (split fursona disorder)

Nedward: this is a horrible conversation

Two idiots and MJ

Nedward: your enemies are gone when you look away. Prepare: they lie in wait

Bidermanr: anxiety be like

Mean jirls: you turn around. There i am

Nedward: oh shi-

Biderman: while walking home  
Me: so is satan alive?  
ned: yeah duh  
Me: well being alive implies you can die, can satan die?  
Ned, quoting the bible or smth: and god will come down on a white horse and smush satan the end  
Me: thats sexist  
Ned: ??  
Me: why not a black or hispanic horse its 2020 NED  
Ned:   
Ned: sexist  
Me: i need more sleep

Mean jirls: no more spiderman for you

Spidey squad

Beter man: not to be That Guy but the math test today  
Beter man: the one for mrs ball  
Beter man: the one that we could TAKE HOME to finish  
Beter man: the proofs are identical to the ones on the study guide  
Beter man: the study guide  
Beter man: the one with the answers provided  
Beter man: do you see where im going with this 

Nedward: peter i love you

Mean jirls: not complaining but  
Mean jirls: why would she do that

Dash: no questions only answers


	15. i Messed Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GITC: beterrrrrr  
> GITC: why
> 
> Spidey: sHHHHH
> 
> GITC: your social competence levels are particularly low today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the "GITC and spidey" chat is peter and ned, the jealousy and judgement are referencing a horoscope app which says that my friend and i have that in common today
> 
> for backstory. peter is joke-dating ned and MJ

Spidey squad

Dash: math is like  
Dash: i tune in every three minutes and then im out again

Cindyella: mood

Spidey squad

Nedward: [video] [video] [video] [video] [video] (all short videos of peter failing to do simple addition)

Dash: me

Spidey squad

Beter man: i am a mistake

Nedward: that was the funniest thing i have ever seen in my life

Beter man: i Messed Up

Nedward: oh my god peter it was hilarious

Beter man: i Messed Up

MeatJoaf: what happened

Nedward: so we’re on the bus on the way home as you do

MeatJoaf: as you do

Nedward: and we get to peter’s stop when we realize he doesnt have his lunch box

Beter man: let me be miserable in peace

Nedward: so we cant find the lunch box. Maybe two seconds have passed  
Nedward: a nice old lady sees us freaking out and points to the lunch box which is under the chair diagonally in front of us in the other aisle

Beter man: i hate the world and everything in it

Nedward: and this mad lad

Beter man: I PANICKED

Nedward: instead of you know  
Nedward: asking the person to grab the lunch box for him  
Nedward: DIVES across the aisle, grabs the lunch box

Beter man: I PANICKED

Nedward: then he grabs his bag, mumbles something to me, assures the bus driver he is not having a stroke

Beter man: I HAVE THE ANXIOUS I CANT DO STRESS

Nedward: then runs for it

Beter man: I MESSED UP

MeatJoaf: peter oh my god

Beter man: i Messed Up

Spidey squad

Sallyicious: theres a lot of middle aged white people at my brothers soccer game  
Sallyicious: theyre all experiencing their midlife crisis because THE BALL JUMMY BALL GO RUN WBEUORAVNAAAAAAA

Beter man: [image, penguin screaming at penguin plush] bucky @ steve  
Beter man: WRHNG CHET

GITC and spidey

GITC: beter,,,,  
GITC: the acadec chat  
GITC:,,,,,,,

Spidey: sHHH

GITC: beterrrrrr  
GITC: why

Spidey: sHHHHH

GITC: your social competence levels are particularly low today  
GITC: im worried  
GITC: CRAP IM JUDGING YOU

Spidey: SHHHHHHHHHH

GITC: THE STARS WERE RIGHT

Spidey: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
Spidey: OH MY GOD  
Spidey: THE STARS

GITC: IM JUDGING YOU FOR BEING AN IDIOT AND YOURE JEALOUS OF ME FOR BEING SMOOTH AS FRICK AND EXTREMEMLY COMPETENT WHEN IT COMES TO HUMAN PEOPLE

Spidey: OH HECK  
Spidey: to the first part

GITC: am i wrong tho???

Spidey: im judging you for the second part does that count

GITC: no its true

Spidey: you put perfume in your mouth

GITC: SHUT THE FRICK UP  
GITC: ill physically fight you  
GITC: no  
GITC: im gonna astral project and fight you in the realm of the mind

Spidey: uh huh

GITC: shut up im meditating

Spidey: uH hUh

GITC: in preparation to FIGHT YOU

Spidey: hM

Spidey squad

Sallicycious: a lady tried to start the BE. AGRESSIVE chant and she got to BE before somebody stopped her

Charlie brown: i want a nose ring. Not like a piercing. Like a ring for your finger

Beter man: wh  
Beter man: a ring

Charlie brown: idk

Beter man: thats a ring ring

(b)abe: why arent necklaces called neck rings

Beter man: not solid enough

(b)abe: they could be if we tried

Nedward: pretty sure a neck ring is a weird sex thing abe

Beter man: mj what the heck

Nedward: ned  
Nedward: what the heck  
Nedward: beteeeer

Beter man: okay that makes more sense

Nedward: do you love me

Beter man: i mean not a lot but

Nedward: how could you

Beter man: CAROP  
Beter man: THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO SEND BEFORE YOU ASKED NOT AFTER

(b)abe: woah man thats cold

Nedward: literally so offended

Beter man: MESSED UP

*nedward has left the chat*

Meat Joaf: what

*beter man has left the chat*

*Meat Joaf has added nedward and beter man to the chat*

Nedward: im literally so offended i dont think we can be friends anymore

(b)abe: i want a neck ring. Ned want to join in wanting a neck ring

Beter man: SCHMOOPY BLS  
Beter man: help ned is trying to divorce me

Nedward: abe i would love to wear a neck ring with you

Beter man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Nedward: considering i no longer have a SCHMOOPY

(b)abe: yay!

Beter man: SCHMOOPY ILL DO ANYTHING

(b)abe: MINE NOW

Nedward: since mine doesnt love me enough to remember my name youll have to do clanna

Beter man: NOOOOO

(b)abe: ok

Beter man and Dash

Beter man: GROUP CHAT NOW I NEED A MARRIGE COUNSELOR

Spidey squad

Nedward: beter with all due respect please dont speak to me i cant handle the sorrow

*beter man has removed (b)abe from the chat*

Nedward: im going through a lot right now dont make this more difficult for me

Meat Joaf: what am i witnessing

Nedward: ive made up my mind please respect that

*nedward added (b)abe to the chat)

(b)abe: bruh

Beter man: PLEASE  
Beter man: ILL DO ANYTHING  
Beter man: ANYTHING

Nedward: please beter

Meat Joaf: what is HAPPENING

Beter man: ANYTHING

Nedward: anything?

Beter man: ANYTHING I LOVE YOU

Nedward: then perish

*nedward has left the chat*

Beter man and Dash

Beter man: BLEASE JO  
Beter man: *NOW

Spidey squad

Sallyicious: YOO

(b)abe: OH MY GOD

*beter man has added nedward to the chat*

Beter man: ILL LOVE YOU FOREVER

Meat Joaf: you cant leave me bitch

Beter man: SCHMOOPY PLS

*nedward has left the chat*

Beter man: [screenshot of a private chat, in the chat is a screenshot from ned showing peter is muted]

Beter man: I NEED A MARRIGE CONSELER  
Beter man: COUNDELR  
Beter man: IDK  
Beter man: SPELLING  
Beter man: FLASH YOU ARE NOW THE MARRIAGE COUNSELER STOP IGNORING US

*beter man has added nedward to the chat*

Beter man: BLEAS  
Beter man: SCHMOOPY NOOOOOOO  
Beter man: [link to that one vine of the person screaming: AND IIIIIIIIIIEI WILL ALWAYS. LOVE YOUUUUUOOUUO HOLY SHIT]

Nedward: peter… i cant do this anymore  
Nedward: its final

Beter man: no

Nedward: im sorry

Beter man: n  
Beter man: anything to make it up

Nedward: peter benjaman parker, i hearby pronounce us  
Nedward: unschmoopied

(b)abe: wow the middle name and everything

Beter man: NOOO  
Beter man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
Beter man: SCHMOOPY LEEDS I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER

Nedward: [screenshot showing peter is now blocked]

Beter man: OH MY GOD  
Beter man: SCHMOOPY

Beter man and Dash

Beter man: I NEED BACKUP BLES YOU GOTTA MARRIAGE COUNSELOR US  
Beter man: IVE BEEN BLOCKED HELB

Dash: WHATS WRONG

Beter man: GROUPCHAT  
Beter man: SPIDEY SQUAD

Spidey squad

Dash: GUYS  
Dash: WHAT

Beter man: I AM SO SORRY  
Beter man: SCHMOOPYYYYYY

Nedward: hello my snazzy little italian man

Dash: your what

Beter man: HELP

Dash: I LEAVE FOR 10 MINUTES  
Dash: AND PETER AND NED ARE UNSCHMOOPIED  
Dash: WHAT HAPPENED

Beter man: I NEED HWLP  
Beter man: I MEDDED UP  
Beter man: READ UP

Dash: sir im going to have to ask you to calm down

Beter man: I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED

Dash: right  
Dash: okay i think i understand that situation  
Dash: ned get over here

Nedward: yes mom?

Dash: okay  
Dash: so

Nedward: sorry i cant see Peter B. Parker’s side because i blocked him

Dash: peter hush for now

Beter man: okay mom

Dash: ned, why dont you tell us your side of the story  
Dash: WITHOUT any embellishments

Beter man: ALL MY FAULT

Dash: just the facts

Nedward: ok  
Nedward: here we go

Dash: peter, im gonna have to ask you to do the same

Nedward: so

Beter man: okay  
Beter man: like now or

Dash: yeah

Beter man: oh okay

Dash: put it in one long message. I’ll wait here and read them

Beter man: so ned says a thing and for some reason i thought MJ said the thing so i called him MJ and now im divorced  
Beter man: because i am a horrible person who cannot distinguish between his spouses

Dash: okay, thank you  
Dash: we’re gonna wait for ned and go from there

Beter man: now i am desperately clinging onto my true love not my One True Love tho i got Actuall MJ too

Cindyella: this has been a while kinda want to know how long this essay via ned is gonna be

Nedward: i was minding my own business in a in a very happy relationship with peter, when i noticed on the bus he compared our love to the song “say something im giving up on you” now it was a joke but humor is often laced in truth and it has been worrying me for a while now. I am well aware of peter’s polyamory and when we originally got together i assumed we were monogamus and we never had the discussion, however when i discovered his relationship with michelle and such i couldnt help but feel jealous, as if i had to share. This had been building up for a while now and finally, when i told a brilliant line of humor, he, my darling schmoopy, called me by the wrong name. Not only the wrong name, but the name of his other lover. Now i have respect for myself. I am a strong independent man who dont need no man. I simply cant stand for this and thus decided that if i wasnt enought for him, then he couldnt have me

Beter man and Dash

Beter man: HOW RESPOND

Dash: lmao i have no idea

Beter man: HH

Dash: im trying here

Beter man: HHHHHHHH

Spidey squad

Beter man: I AM SO SORRY

*beter man has left the chat*

Cindyella: WOAH

*dash added beter man to the chat*

Beter man: i am a horrible person

Dash: get yo ass back here we aint done  
Dash: hush  
Dash: now ned  
Dash: do you still love peter

Beter man: SHOULDNT

Dash: SHUT UP OR I WILL KICK YOU THIS TIME  
Dash: ahem

Nedward: i think deep down in my heart, every ounce of emotion i had ever felt for that person has either left of been shoved so deep down i can no longer feel it

Dash: ned

Nedward: yes

Dash: is that a yes or no

Beter man: hec

Nedward: of course i still love him

Beter man: YAY

Nedward: but i cant put myself through that again

Charlie brown: bro what is going on here

Cindyella: SHH

(b)abe: hush

Sallyicious: scroll up

Nedward: but i cant put myself through that again

Dash: now peter  
Dash: do you still love ned  
Dash: please respond calmly

Nedward: obviously now

Beter man: WITH ALL MY SOUL

Nedward: he loves MICHELLE MORE THAN ME  
Nedward: AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!!

Beter man: I LOVE YOU BOTH EQUALLY

Nedward: I POURED MY HEART INTO THIS

Beter man: YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH

Nedward: BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT CANT SATISFY YOU

Dash: okkkkkk

Nedward: ANYWAY

Dash: can you see how this can b vvv distressing

Nedward: how would you feel if your lover called you by the wrong name

Dash: i understand

Beter man: AM SORRU

Nedward: also i unblocked peter a while ago but not soon enough can somebody send screenshots

(b)abe: [image] [image] [image]

Dash: that was suspiciously fast

(b)abe: ive been taking them as we go along

Beter man: why are you in light mode

Nedward: yeah  
Nedward: thats like  
Nedward: why

Dash: why are you not

Beter man: i am TRYING to fix our relationship  
Beter man: just idk how

Nedward: peter. The best thing you can do for me rn is to give me slace

Beter man: the what

Nedward: space

Beter man: but

Dash: thats fair

Beter man: okay mom

Dash: BUT ned remember that you still love him  
Dash: and you can never really hate what makes you whole

Beter man: okay that was deep

Nedward: what is the difference between love and hate? They are both different sides of the same coin

Beter man: theyre different for a reason

Dash: fair  
Dash: but theyre the same coin

Beter man: idk dude i cant get any deeper i only have so many brain cells  
Beter man: in fact  
Beter man: i have only one

Nedward: i love peter. But rn he fills me with an anger that could rival a thousand suns

Beter man: and it belongs to ned

Nedward: false  
Nedward: WE have one brain cell

Beter man: *purple heart emoji*

Nedward: please picture me in a silk robe with my hand on my forehead fainting dramatically onto a plush velvet love seat  
Nedward: my heart is broken

Beter man: please imagine my tears dripping onto the letter, ink smudging as i sink in slow motion into a chair sobbing

Nedward: peter. You are the equivalent to alexander hamilton. And i am eliza. And i am erasing myself from your narrative and writing my own world without you

Dash: okay that was cold

Beter man: oh god

Dash: i mean i know he hurt you but damn

Beter man: hhhhhh

Nedward: you have no idea how deep my pain runs

Beter man: please dont burn me

Nedward: well you better watch yourself because im going thru the 7 stages of grief and you may just find yourself on fire

Beter man: i love youuuuuu *green heart emojii*

Nedward: @dash *blue heart emoji x3*

Beter man: complete inability to use red hearts from both of us

Nedward: *red heart emoji*  
Nedward: dont test me

Beter man: schmoopy why

Dash: yalll are so petty

Nedward: what am i if not a petty betty to the highest degree

Beter man: my husband

(b)abe: oof

Sallyicious: SHH

Meat Joaf: yall i left to take a shower and i missed an entire group therapy session WTH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im the person who messed up in both scenarios oof
> 
> the whole thing behind them calling each other schmoopy is explained in chapter five
> 
> please more names for MJ im uncreative, if you have questions please ask them im sure there are some


	16. so two people fake dating right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nedward: guys  
> Nedward: we’re  
> Nedward: out  
> Nedward: of  
> Nedward: carrots  
> Nedward: im gonna cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter starts the saturday before Superbowl Sunday (ew) and kinda jumps around after that but always forward in time

Spidey Squad

Nedward: guys  
Nedward: we’re  
Nedward: out  
Nedward: of  
Nedward: carrots  
Nedward: im gonna cry  
Nedward: i cant live in these conditions  
Nedward: im gonna start a riot

Beter man: f

Nedward: the only thing i eat is carrots  
Nedward: what am i supposed to do

Beter man: idk

Nedward: im gonna scream

Beter man: oh?

Dash: oh??

Cindyella: i bought a bottle of hair oil at sephora and dropped it and it exploded and i didnt even get to use any it was 8 dollars

Beter man: mmmm whatcha saaaaay

Jason borne: NOOOOO  
Jason borne: IM SO SORRY

Meme Jqueen: IF IM NOT FEMALE DO I HAVE TO FOLLOW THE GIRL SCOUT LAW

Sallicious: i mean technically no

Meme Jqueen: HECK YEAH BRB

Beter man: you go mj

Nedward: i am at panera. My homeland

Dash: jesus if Hulu gives another puppy bowl commercial i will kill

Beter man: dont theyre cute

Dash: not after youve seen it a million times

Nedward: mood

Beter man: hmmm

Dash: not the puppies the people making the commercial

Beter man: oh okay then yeah do it

Nedward: BLAZE IT

Beter man: ??????????

Dash: it’s 2:41?

Nedward: im tired  
Nedward: i need more sleep

Beter man: those sad dead dog reincarnation movies but instead of dogs it’s ronald mcdonald  
Beter man: its called  
Beter man: McPurpose  
Beter man: anybody want to help me make a dramatic short video for youtube

Nedward: me

Beter man: everytime he dies he comes back as the mascot for a different food chain and they’re all knockoff mcdonalds and they progressively get more off and surreal and by the end it’s literally just a dream

Nedward: that isnt how it already works?

Beter man: he keeps dying in worse and worse ways

Nedward: noice

Beter man: whats in the dog pit ronald  
Beter man: he jumps in  
Beter man: *reincarnation noises*

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe (during the halftime show of the superbowl)

Stank man: i feel like i just got sexually harrassed by jaylo

Mister doctor: im sorry what

Furry: excuse me??

Scott lang: oh yeah

Beter man: aunt may called her dancing uncomfortable

Scott lang: we had to turn it off because cassie started dancing like her that was an experience

Stank man: oh no

Mister doctor: jaylo?

Beter man: halftime show

Clont: ahhhhh  
Clont: yeah that was  
Clont: ahem

Beter man: uncomfortable

Binky bornes: she was on a pole  
Binky bornes: there were tassels

Stank man: a bikini that should do it

Beter man: good to know that it wasnt just me that was uncomfortable

On your above: there was minimal anything  
On your above: on the everyone

Stank man: no the dudes were wearing clothes

Clont: the one guy at the start wearing a bathrobe while shakira rolled around on the floor

Two idiots and mj

Beter man: pretty sure the dollar tree face mask is just cucumber scented glue

Nedward: IT MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Beter man: HAPPY BORTH TO NED TED THE BEST RED LEAD WHO LIKED A HEAD OF BED FED

Nedward: EEEEEE!

Meme Jqueen: blaze it

Beter man: DANG IT

Nedward: BIRTHDAY BLAZE

Beter man: *sets cake on fire*

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

SPYder: if youre bored on valentine’s day go up to random couples in restaurants and yell “WHO IS SHE”

On your above: a concept

Clont: YES  
Clont: LETS DO IT TOGETHER

Scarlet bitch: no no wait  
Scarlet bitch: who’s in a relationship

Stank man: nobody

Scarlet bitch: nvm then

SPYder: no tell us anyways i can fake date clint if i need to

Clont: yeah its happened before  
Clont: fun times

Scarlet bitch: so we have two avengers fake dating, and third person comes up and starts yelling

Stank man: me i wanna

On your above: literally everybody knows who you are the entire world

Stank man: shhhh i have dreams

Scarlet bitch: WAIT NO CONSIDER  
Scarlet bitch: everybody in the restaurant is an avenger. There is one person who isnt and that’s the target. A sea of angry ex’s and cheated spouses storm the bar all at once and the target gets caught in the middle of it

SPYder: i love it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anybody has any questions at all about MJ's female comment just ask, i will answer
> 
> i have a a dilemma. do i do train wreck comics clint with kate as an apprentice or MCU clint with laura and kids
> 
> ITS SHORT IM SORRY IM WORKING ON ANOTHER TODAY


	17. FIFTH HOUR BEAT US????

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mister Stank: there is a fine line between self care and destructive tendencies and HO BOY do i walk it hard
> 
> Country Roads: not really
> 
> Language: do we need to have a talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: god i hate typing "aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe" every time the group chat switches
> 
> friend: then change the name?
> 
> other friend: copy paste?
> 
> me: no wtf

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

On your above: i woke up at 4:00 because i thought i was running with steve but i wasnt so i just sat on the couch and watched tv for hours

Scarlet bitch: literally the epitome of self care

Mister Stank: there is a fine line between self care and destructive tendencies and HO BOY do i walk it hard

Country Roads: not really

Language: do we need to have a talk

SPYder: you didnt see him yesterday

Language: what happened oh no

Mister stank: oh yeah i chugged a bang and a whole undiluted thing of chrystal lite energy and opened my third eye and diassociated the whole morning and when i got to the common room i looked at my notebook and its just pages of scribbles and numbers and i cant remember writing it

SPYder: it was horrible

Language: tony…

Mister stank: i would do it again

Country roads: BUT YOU WONT

Mister stank: ive got two more unopened things of crystal lite

Country roads: no

Mister stank: but i will

On your above: but you wont

Mister stank: lol

Country roads: DONT YOU DARE

Mister stank: the lights are weird

SPYder: he looked at me sometime during breakfast yesterday and pointed to his bouncing knee and whispered “i cant stop this” like he couldnt

Scarlet bitch: can you get hungover from caffene

Mister stank: im just trying to go yall

Language: hmmmmm

Country roads: youre going to give me a heart attack

Mister stank: my heart rate got up to 210 yesterday

Country roads: and if you keep going my heart will also give out dont do this

Mister stank: also i have pages and pages of writing and scribbles and when i say theres so much ink they page is black theres a lot of ink

Language: jesus christ

Spidey squad (afternoon)

Beter man: im a hoe for tabasco. You might even say  
Beter man: im a tabascHO

Dash: [image of a check with 60 dollars on it]  
Dash: all it takes is a foot pic

Charlie brown: oh yes

Beter man: flash no

Dash: flash yes  
Dash: jk i babysat for the neighbor  
Dash: we are making mOney

Beter man: lol imagine

Dash: im going to buy so many worms

Beter man: gummy or  
Beter man: on a string or  
Beter man: dirt or what

Mornin j’all: is avery selling the worms on a string again

Nedward: yeah like for 3 dollars a worm

Beter man: goals

Charles: worm=weed

Nedward: THIRD EYE OPENED

Spidey squad (morning)

Beter man: god really needed to mess with us by giving us physical bodies

Nedward: FUCK  
Nedward: IM GONNA CRY

Beter man: i will assist???

Nedward: I WAS TRYING TO TURN THE VOLUME UP ON MY PHONE

Beter man: AND????

Nedward: I WAS PRESSING THE POWER BUTTON AND I WAS TRYING TO TURN UP THE VOLUME AND I CALLED 911

Morning J’all: oh no

Nedward: THEY KEEP CALLING ME BACK WHAT DO I DO

Beter man: youre on your own i would be arrested if the cops found me remember

Nedward: oh rite because  
Nedward: thwip thwip

Beter man: I LOVE IT

Spidey squad (during school)

Beter man: c h i l d r e n

Nedward: theyre everywhere wtf

Dash: i hate this

Morning j’all: why do they 8th graders have to do a visiting day uGhhH

(b)abe: GUYS COME TO THE 700 WING MRS SMITH IS HERE

Beter man: ON MY WAY NOW

Spidey squad (later during school)

Dash: french lemonade is super lemon and im in shock

Nedward: lol f

Beter man: fAnCy LeMoNaDe

Dash: no im taking french

Beter man: ignore me while i crawl into a whole

Cindyella: *hole

Beter man: my point is made

Dash: i feel like im being punched in the face by a lemon warhead

Nedward: BETER

Beter man: NED

Nedward: FIFTH HOUR BEAT US

Beter man: WHAT

Nedward: THE FUNRAISER CONTEST THEY BEAT US SOMEHOW

Dash: im in mr harrington’s 5th hour

Beter man: YOU

Nedward: sally said somebody brought in 200 dollars and so they beat us

Morning J’all: flash

Dash: i plead the 5th

Beter man: IM GONNA RIOT

Nedward: AGHHGHAHAGHHHG

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe (middle of the night)

Beter man: okay  
Beter man: soothes  
Beter man: do they do yoga  
Beter man: *sloths  
Beter man: foxes are just cat software that runs on dog hardware  
Beter man: grapes are the beef jerkey of raisins

Two idiots and MJ

Biderman: if a werewolf and a vampire are dating then its technially both necrophilia AND beastility

GITC: hi yeah i left the sermon to answer this so  
GITC: excuse my french but  
GITC: what the fuck

Morning J’all: what

GITC: tf

Beter man: sorry that just occured to me  
Beter man: i couldnt keep it to myself

Nedward: no w

Morning J’all: wh  
Morning J’all: what

Nedward: you should have

Beter man: i had to share this info sorry

Morning J’all: i just left church but i think you should have been there with me

Nedward: im IN church  
Nedward: specifically the bathroom hiding but eh

Beter man: i think that they should preach all my fun interesting thoughts instead of that jesus nonsense its much more interesting and you should be thanking me for brightening your day

Nedward: peter’s church of thots

Morning J’all: thots and thoughts welcome

Beter man: im dying

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Language: when google calls Gaelic irish in google translate

Tictac: i uh  
Tictac: i just found an article on how this guy removed his ribs so he could suck his own dick and i dont know how i always end up here

Mister doctor: how do you accidently read that

On your above: oh god no

Binky bornes: was there a headline you ignored or what

Tictac: it just said “you wont believe why this man removed his ribs”  
Tictac: and of course i was like wow i bet i wont  
Tictac: i wasnt prepared but what a legend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yeah im salty as fuck my class had 204 dollars and we thought we were going to beat 5th hour (fuck 'em) and some fucker brought in 200 dollars and someone else brought in 100 dollars and then they had 377 dollars like wtf are you doing people


	18. D E F E N S T R A T I O N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note defenstrate means "to yeet something or someone out a window" more or less just for reference

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: yeet  
Beter man: defenstaration  
Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration

What are those: yeet

Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration

Beter man: D  
Beter man: e  
Beter man: F  
Beter man: E  
Beter man: N  
Beter man: S  
Beter man: T

What are those: r u high or

Beter man: R  
Beter man: A  
Beter man: T  
Beter man: I  
Beter man: O  
Beter man: N

Binky bornes: r u high peter

Beter man: I WANT TO DEFENSTRATE MYSELF  
Beter man: defenstration

Mister Stank: NO

Beter man: DEFENSTRATION  
Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration

Binky bornes: ARE YOU HIGH OR?

Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration

What are those: peter no

Beter man: defenstration

Mister stank: WHATS HAPPENING

Beter man: defenstration  
Beter man: defenstration

Scarlet bitch: [screenshot of dictonary.com w/ the definition of defenestrate (basically to yeet yourself)]  
Scarlet bitch: peter no

What are those: A CONCEPT

Beter man: DEFE  
Beter man: NES  
Beter man: TRA  
Beter man: TION

Language: somebody please explain

Scarlet bitch: DEFENSTRATE is basically the fancy word for yeet  
Scarlet bitch: why did that capitalize

Beter man: defenstration

Binky bornes: PETER ARE YOU HIGH

What are those: are you ok my guy

Clont: d e f e n s t r a t i o n

Beter man: YES  
Beter man: YESSSS  
Beter man: DEFENSTRATION

Language: peter???

Binky bornes: DEFENSTRATION

Beter man: EISGSVEORB  
Beter man: DEFENSTRATION

Mister stank: ?????

What are those: d e f e n s t r a t i o n

Beter man: DEFENSTRATION

Scarlet bitch: d e f e n s t r a t i o n

Mister stank: help???

Binky bornes: D E F E N S T R A T I O N

{Beter man named the chat “DEFENSTRATION”}

Mister stank: WHOMST

Spidey squad

Sallycious: YALL

Dash: WHAT

Sallycious: I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING

Nedward: CONGRATS

Sallycious: WHEN I WAS IN 2ND GRADE I DIDNT READ AT A 9TH GRADE LEVEL, I JUST READ AT A 2ND GRADE LEVEL NOW IN 9TH GRADEEEE

Dash: ?

Sallycious: it made more sense in my head

Nedward: i get the 1st part  
Nedward: not the 2nd

Beter barker: honk

(b)abe: HONK

Beter barker: noice

Nedward: H O N K

Beter barker: no im mad at you

Dash: not again i cant handle this

Mlue Jeans: ned accidently accepted charles’ valentine

Mlue Jeans: you can all see where this is going

Nedward: schmoopy bls

Beter man: ive decided to quit school to become a full time bathroom stall

Nedward: hot

Dash: cindy does not know what a boarding school is  
Dash: roast cindy time starts now

Cindyella: how was i supposed to know????

Dash: the same way everybody else knows??? You just do??

Mlue Jeans: my new neighbor is a drug inspector  
Mlue Jeans: so peter you cant come over anymore

Nedward: MJ you gotta move out now

Beter man: yeah they migh find the meth

Dash: shHh

DEFENSTRATION (formerly avengers assemble)

Beter man: okay so

Mister stank: oh god

On your above: brace yourself

Beter man: this is what my phone backround is SUPPOSED to look like  
Beter man: [asthetic backround with the words “FACE YOUR DEMONS EAT THEIR HANDS” in white on it]

Language: w h a t t h e f u c k

Mister stank: LANGUAGE

Beter man: and this is what it actually looks like  
Beter man: [screenshot of a home screen, the word “FACE’ is covered by apps so the text now reads “YOUR DEMONS EAT THEIR HANDS”]

Mister Doctor: god i wish

What are those: nice

Beter man: got inner demons? Scare them off in the only way you know how!

Mister stank: WHAT

Language: i am so confused

Scarlet bitch: EAT THEIR HANDS!

On your above: what the fuck is up with the youth

Furry: shuri poured contact solution into my water

Beter man: oh and my lock screen

Mister stank: wait what

Language: ew

What are those: no regrets

Beter manr: [lockscreen reading “EXIST WITHIN LIMINAL SPACES AND MANIFEST WITHIN THE EARTHLY REALM AS A HARBINGER OF PHENOMENA UNEXPLAINABLE BY NATURAL LAW”]  
Beter man: anyways

Mister stank: peter  
Mister stank: what the fuck is that

On your above: those words are literal gibberish

Beter man: mood

What are those: wait let me break it down  
What are those: exist in liminal spaces and appear on earth as a person who brings about things that cant be explained by physics

On your above: oh okay  
On your above: what the fuck peter

Beter man: i know big words because i read books as child and was impressiv

Spidey squad

Beter man: im at CHURCH  
Beter man: JESUS and GOD and i think theres another

Mlue jeans: why r u at church

Beter man: im with ned  
Beter man: the zombie apocalypse is basically just vore

(b)abe: thanks

Mlue jeans: why

Dash: what

Beter man: anytime

Dash: why

Beter man: were at church and ned is scrolling through porn on tumblr

Cindyella: uH?

Nedward: NOOOOOOO

Mlue Jeans: um what

Dash: ned what

Nedward: THATS NOT TRUE

(b)abe: hmmm

Cindyella: hmmm

Beter man: he got followed by a porn bot and was scrolling thru the page

Nedward: I GOT FOLLOWED BY A PORN BOT AND I DIDNT KNOW

Mlue jeans: hmMMm

(b)abe: hmmmmm

Nedward: AGHHHHHH

Dash: thats what they all say

Nedward: O DIDNT KNOW IT WAS A PORN BOOITOT  
Nedward: ANDIEBFCSJAK  
Nedward: AJAJAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHDD

Cindyella: HMMMMMM

Nedward: NINOBOONONIOOONOBONODNEBDI

Sallicious: thats pretty strange

Nedward: AHAHAHHAAHHAHDHAGAVSGSHAHAH

Cindyella: VRY SUS

Nedward: ahahaha for fiends or ejpcbwidirht whrncjugfhrehhd

Mlue jeans: lol

Nedward: FUCCKKKKKKK

Beter man: YOU ABSOLUTELY DID KNOW YOU SAID LOOK A PORN BOT FOLLOWED ME AND STARTED SCROLLING THRU IT

Dash: QUITE SUS

Beter man: YOU LIAR

(b)abe: HUH

Beter man: YOU WERE TRYING TO SHOW ME PICTURES

Cindyella: I KNEW I SMELLED CAP

Mlue jeans: what a year this janurary has been

DEFENSTRATION

Mister stank: honestly i think its so rude that im not fluent in french latin and italian, exclusively wear tweed blazers, turtlenecks, knee high socks with plaid skirts, cable knit sweaters, leather shoes, spend my free time in dark corners of used book stores reading hamlet for the 8th time while writing poetry with fountain pens and practicing witchcraft in my downtime while attending psychology lectures at my victorian university

Country roads: are you okay

Binky bornes: i agree

THUNDER: same but are you good

Mister stank: I JUST WANT TO CONSTANTLY BE IN DRAMATIC LIGHTING WITH FOG AND CONSTANTLY READING OLD WORN BOOKS OKAY

Binky bornes: asthetic

Mister stank: I JUST WANT TO WEAR SOCKS AND READ OSCAR WILD VIA CANDLELIGHT WHILE GAZING DRAMATICALLY OUT THE WINDOW AT THE MOON OKAY

THUNDER: yes  
THUNDER: *oscar wilder

Mister stank: DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FLYING FUCK

Country roads: are you good

Mister stank: NO

Spidey squad

Mlue jeans: therapy can cost up to 120. But the sims cost only 49.99. So you can just get the sims and use them as therapy

Nedward: GODDAMMIT  
Nedward: COME ON  
Nedward: i thought i was a fan art link nope  
Nedward: guess who just got rickrolled

Dash: oof

Beter man: people in my french class are talking about how they want to fuck jim from the office but theyre being serious and i cant

Nedward: wha

Beter man: what if i just shaved my head  
Beter man: like  
Beter man: whats stopping me

Nedward: DONT DO IT

Beter man: like

Nedward: ME  
Nedward: IM STOPPING YOU

Beter man: i feel like it would look nice

Nedward: BRO DONT  
Nedward: DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

Beter man: oh im thinking about it

Dash: [https://youtube.com/watchsdvefe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfr64zoBTAQ&feature=youtu.be)  
Dash: guys, please please please watch this video  
Dash: its a news broadcast about something horrible that i won’t write here but  
Dash: just watch it then read the comments because there’s more news there please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey if you didnt click it already please watch this video. i try to keep these lighthearted but this really is important and affects everyone in the world, even if you dont know it yet.


	19. not in this economy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beter man: ned fangirled so hard that mr stank had to kick him off the chat because he got jealous
> 
> Mister stank added mister stank to the chat
> 
> Mister stank: I DID NOT GET JEALOUS
> 
> Mister stank left the chat
> 
> Beter man: so anyways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know whats annoying??? you know what i hate????????? i have to post the unformatted version of my fic then quickly go to edit the fic in the ao3 website because any formatting copy pasted of done in the "chapter text" box doesnt work but it does when im editing it and everything sucks

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: im going to drop out of school and work as a chickfila cashier for the rest of my life

SPYder: not in this economy

Clont: capitalism more like organized depression taken advantage by people in suits

Mister stank: precisely

Beter man: mr stank you are a people in suits and also a gazibillizilionare

On your above: that is a true point

Binky bornes: chickfila is homophobic dont give them your service

Beter man: im going to drop out of school and work as a wendys cashier for the rest of my life

Furry: child why would you do that

What are those: WAIT I CAN GUESS

Beter man: *announcer voice* and for our first contestant…… SHURI!!!!

What are those: thank you jim. My guess is that… you got one more answer wrong on homework than usual

Beter man: that is correct!

Language: son

What are those: because you spent a bit more time than usual out on patrol and so you were more tired while doing your homework

Beter man: also correct!

Mister stank: what? How i thought you were in bed at like 11

What are those: and since you got that one question wrong you started panicking and spiraling and stuff

Beter man: wow! Look at that! She is on a roll folks!!

What are those: and now you think youre a failure who cant even get good grades on a simple homework assignment

Beter man: THAT IS CORRECT! YOU ARE THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER !! :D

Furry: sisi how did you guess that whole thing correctly

What are those: Gen Z hivemind

Clont: terrifying answer, have a nice day

Spidey squad

Shuri added Shuri to the chat

Shuri changed her name to PETER PARKER VALIDATION

PETER PARKER VALIDATION: PETER PARKER VALIDATION TIME

Nedward: PETER WE LOVE YOU YOURE AMAZING

Dash: ned 100% all in immediately with no questions asked is friend goals

Beter man: hhhhhh

Mom jeans: peter you are tolerable

Beter man: HHHHHHHHHHHH

Nedward: oh heck

Sallicious: who is “peter parker validation”

PETER PARKER VALIDATION: the smartest person in the world thank you v much

Beter man: no need to get a big head

PETER PARKER VALIDATION: i am quite literally the smartest person in the world we did tests

Mom jeans: o

PETER PARKER VALIDATION changed their name to what are thode

Beter man: HAH

What are thode: wait no

Dash: we still havent figured out who you are

What are thode: i have messed down

Mom jeans: i like them

Cindyella: why messed down?

Beter man: why so?

Mom jeans: they joined specifically to be positive

What are thode: nothing in my life is up including my messes

Mom jeans: nvm

Beter man: no!!! Happiness!!!!! Life is up!

Dash: what makes you say that?

Beter man: dude

Dash: I MEAN WHY WOULD YOU SAY LIFE IS DOWN I MESSED SIDEWAYS

What are thode: because my dad died in a big explosion and then my brother freaked and tried to kill the dude who he thought did it but it was somebody else so to apologize for trying to kill that guy my brother brought him to me to fix then like three days later he became king and almost died then he didnt then he went to america and somebody else almost died but he was white but my brother was like eH whatever so brought me aNOTHER white dude to fix then my cousin appeared and was like yo your dad killed my dad who was your dads brother and im salty so ima kill you and then all the white people then yote my brother off a cliff bUT he lived and the cousin tried to kill me and i shot him then my brother tackled him off another cliff and accidently killed the cousin bUT i fixed both white boys so yeah i guess life is going up

Beter man: are you okay

What are thode changed their name to What are those

What are those: yeah why would you ask

Dash: what the hecc

Nedward: wait youre

Mom jeans: princess shuri??????

What are those: wait i didnt introduce myself

Sallycious: you popped in validated peter got sad on main and shared trauma so i mean

Dash: kinda??

What are those: hello im shuri im here because peter was being sad on the avengers chat and legally thats not allowed

Nedward: AVENGERS CHAT

(b)abe: peter oh my gOD

Nedward: PETER AS YOUR VERY BESTEST FRIEND

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Mister stank: 4

Mister stank: 3

Mister stank: 2

Beter man added GITC to aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

GITC: IM GOING TO CRY MY DREAM HAVE COME TRUE  
GITC: SKIN CLEAR CROPS WATERED GRADES FIXED HOTEL TRIVAGOED

Furry: who is this?

GITC: IM NED

Beter man: why was mr stank counting down from 10

SPYder: thats how long you had to respond before he panicked and flew to your house to make sure you werent crying

GITC: YOU CALL HIM MISTER STANK THATS SO COOL

Language: hi?

GITC: IS THIS AN AVENGER IS AN AVENGER TALKING TO ME WHO ARE YOU

Binky bornes: colossal dumbass

On your above: an idiot

SPYder: fossil

Beter man: big dumb

Language: wow

Language: steve

GITC: IM GOING TO CRY OH MY GOD

Mister stank removed GITC from the chat

Beter man: mr stank no thats mean

Mister stank: sorry i cant handle that much energy and excitement in my general vicinity

Binky bornes: he was jealous somebody was fangirling over steb instead of him

Mister stank: okay first of all

Spidey squad

Nedward: i am crying

Mom jeans: what happened

Beter man: ned fangirled so hard that mr stank had to kick him off the chat because he got jealous

Mister stank added mister stank to the chat

Mister stank: I DID NOT GET JEALOUS

Mister stank left the chat

Beter man: so anyways

Dash: holy heck was the tony stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for not posting sooner theres this fun thing called procrastination in which i go "hey i should work on my fic that im writing" and it all goes downhill from there


	20. this break is destroying uss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miesdter hiearrugngton: school, along with all events involving over 250 people, will be canceled until april 13th
> 
> Beter man: YAY
> 
> (b)abe: WHOOOOOOOOOOO
> 
> Dash: S P R I N G B R E A K!!!!!!!
> 
> Nedward: i painted a chair
> 
> Beter man: this break is destroying me  
> Beter man: or should i say us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mj is in this chapter, not actually mary jane because of the cameo but because i asked my brother for ideas and he said "mary jane" then started singing something because he didnt know what he was giving me ideas for
> 
> anyways please give me ideas for MJ names im running out

Spidey squad

Beter man: GUYS

Cindyella: WHAT

Beter man: SCHOOL IS CLOSED UNTIL APRIL 13TH

Dash: im calling bs

Nedward: YOURE MESSING WITH US??  
Nedward: NO W A Y

Beter man: CHECK THE NEWS

Dash: nope

Nedward: NOPE HES RIGHT

Miesdter hiearrugngton: hello everybody  
Miesdter hiearrugngton: school, along with all events involving over 250 people, will be canceled until april 13th

Beter man: CALLED IT

Mary Jane: [image: a news headline confirming this]

Beter man: YAY

(b)abe: WHOOOOOOOOOOO

Dash: S P R I N G B R E A K!!!!!!!

Sallicious: yeeeeesssssss

Charlie brown: IM EXCITED

Beter man: me and aunt may are going to Sams to see the damage

Nedward: just left lines are insane

Jason borne: send pictures

Dash: im at rouses  
Dash: nobody panicking here but i had a nice conversation with the man at the panini counter

Insert spongebob “four days later”

Spidey suad

Beter man: hello  
Beter man: what day is it just checking

Nedward: monday

Mary jane: tuesday

Dash: wednesday?? What

Beter man: so  
Beter man: [screenshot of the calender showing it is tuesday]

Dash: WHAT

Nedward: NO WAY

Mary jane: honestly i was just guessing thats weird

Beter man: i didnt know either i was just informed this by rhodey

Nedward: im going insane and its only been three days  
Nedward: four  
Nedward: five  
Nedward: heck

Beter man: ive been trying to get onto the chool website but i cant because ~guess who forgot his password~

Cindyella: chool

Beter man: SHUT

Sallicious: i hope they switch to another website at the end of the teachers meeting because this one is hard to navigate

Beter man: the meeting was yesterday???  
Beter man: please say yes or im insane

Nedward: and nobody wants an insane spiderman

Beter man: bold of you to assume im allowed to go outside. No because New York and also Virus and also Who Knows How You Will React Peter You Are Part Spider Dont Even Think About It

Mary jane: the meeting is tommorow

Dash: i think theres a meeting today and tommorow

Beter man: OH COME ON

(b)abe: this month break is making me lose my concept of time

Beter man: YOURE losing your concept of time? I had to retype this three times because i was messing up so bad autocorrect couldnt save me

Nedward: what is a second

Beter man: theres music playing from somewhere but nobody can figure it out and half the tower is being scared by a ghost

Dash: tower?

Beter man: im at the tower because New York and also Virus and also Who Knows How You Will React Peter You Are Part Spider Dont Even Think About It

Charlie brown: yall what day is it im freaking out

Beter man: tuesday

Charlie brown: i swear its monday but idk anymore

Beter man: the 17th  
Beter man: habby sait patricks day

Mary jane: sait

Beter man: i am being bullied

Insert spongebob “one day later”

Spidey squad

Nedward: this break has me so bored i cleaned and rearranged my entire bedroom

Beter man: mood

Cindyella: we painted my brothers bedroom because we have NOTHING better to do

Beter man: ive never wanted to shave my head more  
Beter man: like im not gonna do it  
Beter man: but i WANT to

Mary jane: what if we all shaved our heads

Nedward: i prefer myself with hair tyvm

Dash: im dying my hair because capitalism or someting idk

Beter man: BRIGHT PINK????

Dash: oh good idea  
Dash: but no  
Dash: blue

Mary jane: i think theyre gonna cancel school for the rest of the year and idk how i feel abt that

Beter man: just found out from commander righteous that they have gay teen clubs in ireland

Nedward: nICe

Beter man: i want to gay teen irish clubs

Mary jane: take me to potato land

Beter man: take me away (take me away)

Insert spongebob “a few hours later”

Spidey suad

Dash: i want to go back to school i cant take this anymore

Nedward: SAME

Beter man: saaaaaaammmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeee

Mary jane; its nice to not go out but when you have to stay inside? No

Dash: my screen time is up 42% and im spending 15 hours a day on my phone

(b)abe: f

Sallicious: i just spent TWO HOURS making a playlist of all the songs featured in mamma mia but its their og recording by abba and putting them in order that they appear in the movie and titled it mamma mia but abba and i think im losing my mind

Cindyella: oh my god

Sallicious: yeah

Mary jane: im reading paradise lost and lowkey highkey struggling  
Mary jane: [screenshot of a ebook with a page of paradise lost]  
Mary jane: i had to google synod something about presbyterians

Dash: michelle i read those words and recognized tham as english but i have been rubbing my 8 active brain cells together and i have absolutely no idea what they mean

Mary jane: yes  
Mary jane: im 10 pages in  
Mary jane: so far satan is salty about being yote so hes about to do something to the newly formed humans as revenge! Why the humans? Because the other option is god and we already know how that turns out. I wonder what is going to happen to those humans?! Its a mystery! Big suprise!!! Hope its not too bad!!!!!!!!!!!

Beter man: the sarcasm is heavy here

Mary jane: :’)

Insert spongebob “one day later”

PETER STOP TAKING THE Q OUT OF SPIDEY SQUAD

Nedward: i painted a chair

Beter man: this break is destroying me  
Beter man: or should i say us

Cindyella: show us the chaiiiiiiiiiiiiir  
Cindyella: okay yeah im losing it

Dash: we’re dyeing  
Dash: dying

Nedward: i only had 4 hours of sleep. And i feel like how you seel after you go swimming. And it feels like how summer was when i was 10

Mary jane: ned,,,,,, thats an oddly specific feeling. If you dont go to sleep im going to walk to your house and out you to sleep myself

Dash: out you to sleep?

Beter man: i have never wanted to be a slice of pepperoni pizza more in my life  
Beter man: there seems to be an extra two words in that sentence  
Beter man: i want pizza

Yall know the drill its a day later

PETER STOP TAKING THE Q OUT OF SPIDEY SUAD

Dash: yall its day whatever of quarenteen and ive watched the sex offender shuffle like 8 times

Beter man: t h e w a t

Nedward: yeah  
Nedward: t h e w h a t

Dash: wait  
Dash: yall,,,

Mary jane: YES????

Dash: yall havent??? Heard the sex offender shuffle?????  
Dash: what?

Nedward: no??

Beter man: NO?

Mary jane: ..no?

Dash: WHAT

Beter man: YEAH NO WHAT

Dash: link  
Dash: was this experience a me thing?

Beter man: [link to the same video flash sent]  
Beter man: wait no  
Beter man: [image reading “idiot with one brain cell and ready to fight god”]  
Beter man: that kinda confirms what i just sent huh

(b)abe: ive been bingeing jojo siwa videos for the past 2 hours send help  
(b)abe: i cant stop

Nedward: my moms think im having a midlife crisis  
Nedward: because im watching old strawberry shortcake episodes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not posting for so long but nothing has happened for so long it took a while to get enough stuff for a chapter
> 
> is my excuse
> 
> haha edit from feb 2021 we we so wrong back then huh :)) oh how the turns have tabled or something


	21. okay just checking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nedward added beter man
> 
> Beter man changed the groupchat name to sPiDeY sUaD
> 
> Beter man has been kicked by Mama John
> 
> Mama john changed the groupchat name to spidey squad
> 
> Dash: a tragedy in 2 acts

Spidey squad

Nedward: yall i just got a kurieg thingy and im going to drink SO much coffee

Cindyella: ned no

Mama john: i just spent 2 hours fighting with children on roblox

Dash: did u win

Mama john: yes of course

Nedward: go off

Mama john: and i may have scarred them for life  
Mama john: i didnt hold back

(b)abe: and you should not have

Sallicious: i woke up in a cold sweat because i had a dream that i cut bangs into my hair i looked like dora the explorer’s crack addicted cousin

Dash: [image of him in a car on the road]  
Dash: wish me luck  
Dash: oh my god i see people  
Dash: the gas station is AbANDONED

Time passes

Spidey squad

Nedward: so the president just extended the quarantine

Mama john: NO

Dash: ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Cindyella: i want OUT

Sallicious: KHFEBIUFBCS

Mama john: im moving to the moon

Nedward: but then youll be in the same situation but without wifi

Mama john: I DONT NEED WIFI

Nedward: hm

Dash: wheres peter hes suspiciously quiet

Mama john: oh  
Mama john: dont worry abt that

Dash: o h ?

Cindyella: oh my fukin god he fukin dead

Mama john: he has been dealt with

Nedward: she kicked him after he kept taking the “q” out of “spidey squad”

Mama john: ned i have a reputation i have to maintain

Nedward: f to that

Nedward added beter man

Beter man changed the groupchat name to sPiDeY sUaD

Beter man has been kicked by Mama John

Mama john changed the groupchat name to spidey squad

Dash: a tragedy in 2 acts

Cindyella: since we’re in the middle of the everything  
Cindyella: can i add betty  
Cindyella: even tho shes not in acadec but the season is canceled and we never talk abt it anyways

nedward: go for it

Cindyella added betty boop

Betty boop: hi

Mama john: i got into another roblox fight

Dash: go OFF

Mama john: the person left because i was spitting facts and she couldnt handle it  
Mama john: god i need to get back to school and stop getting into fights with kids online

Betty boop: wait no what happened

Mama john: child was being rude  
Mama john: i told her to chill  
Mama john: child got mad and left

(b)abe: a true karen in the making

Nedward: weusfhjdosdf

Sallicious: i just dropped my phone onto my toe  
Sallicious: i wish for death

Dash: mood

Sallicious: is this what childbirth feels like

Dash: less of a mood

Nedward: im adding peter again he promised to behave

Mama john: oh no

Nedward added beter man

Beter man: uwu

Mama john: confess

Beter man: not guilty

Dash: your honor i demand the death sentence

Beter man: guilty

Nedward: your honor he is clearly insane and cannot speak for himself

Dash: objection he is of perfectly sound mind

Nedward: your honor he just got here 30 seconds ago and has no idea what he’s confessing to

Mama john: sustained because i like you more than flash

Dash: fair

Betty boop: what

Cindyella: this happens a lot

Betty boop: i thought yall were smart

(b)abe: ha  
(b)abe: hA  
(b)abe: HA  
(b)abe: no

Betty boop: k just checking

Beter man: so am i getting the death sentence or not

Mama john: idk ask mr stark

Betty boop: whomst

Beter man: o

Nedward: he knows tony stark

Betty boop: yeah i know but why is mr stark going to kill him

Dash: he wont

Beter man: clont would

Nedward: good thing hes not there then

Sallicious: i think im finally going insane  
Sallicious: i went into the kitchen to get smth to drink and while i was walking to my room i heard someone say “bruh” really aggressively

Cindyella: you?

Sallicious: oh  
Sallicious: that would make sense

Beter man: YALL?  
Beter man: THE SUN IS COMING UP AND I HAVENT GONE TO SLEEP

Mama john: its 3  
Mama john: pm

Nedward: f

Dash: f

Cindyella: f

Beter man: bullied

TiMe SkIp

Spidey swad

Nedward: pure of heart. Dumb of ass. Home of sexual

Beter man: me?

Nedward: wiuhdjvnoisd

Mama john: never wanted to be a vampire more

Betty boop: sounds like it would be a pain in the neck

nedward: SIS

(b)abe: ma’am

Beter man: i love you so much bwry

Nedward: bwry

Beter man: literally fight me

Nedward: we would have to use like  
Nedward: long swords  
Nedward: long  
Nedward: stick  
Nedward: SPEAR

Mama john: good job

Cindella: A for effort

Dash: guys how do you pronounce niche

Beter man: knee but with a ch

Dash: yeah thats what i thought  
Dash: but SPOTIFY

Nedward: quiche but with an n

Dash: pronounced it like nitch  
Dash: bitch but with an n  
Dash: thank your for telling me how to spell quiche  
Dash: pronounce  
Dash: scream

Beter man: literally just give me the virus already i dont even care  
Beter man: whats the worst that can happen im young  
Beter man: asthma? Guess what

Nedward: didnt you have asthma?

Beter man: a highly debated topic  
Beter man: i had asthma before the spiderbite  
Beter man: and mr stark says i dont have it anymore  
Beter man: but sometimes it still feels like i do

Betty boop: spider bite

Beter man: OH HECK

Betty boop: oh no i knew

Beter man: come ON

Mama john: we told you youre really bad at hiding it

Betty boop: i saw you at the dance  
Betty boop: lift a row of lockers grab a backpack and run away  
Betty boop: and i was GOING to call the cops

Nedward: as ya do

Betty boop: as you do  
Betty boop: then spiderman was sighted

Nedward: lol

Betty boop: and i heard ned in the computer lab talking to you

Mama john: f

Dash: yall being called out

Betty boop: also the gc name is “spidey squad” so

(b)abe: whoops

~~time skip~~

Spidey squad

Cindyella: quarantine really got me over here eating a salad, protein shake and a cup of hot chocolate for dinner  
Cindyella: goals

Beter man: nice

Sallicious: why r u eating a protein shake??  
Sallicious: they nasty

Beter man: slorp

Sallicious: and its late

Cindyella: it smoothie

Nedward: we’re pranking a person on a discord im on for april fools  
Nedward: everybody’s switching icons and users its great

~time skip~

Spidey squad

Nedward: prank backfired everybodys having a breakdown

~time skip~

Spidey squad

Nedward: after 2 hours of “we messed UP” its okay now

Beter man: and thank god because i was crying

Nedward: and we will never talk about this again

~time skip~

Spidey squad

Sallicious: is sending your crush a pic of a cup with the words “having a crush on you juice” on it then sending a picture of a man chugging water a valid way of asking someone out

Dash: uhhhhhhhhhh

Sallicious: because if someone did that to me i would be delighted and kendal says its awful  
Sallicious: but bella says its brilliant

Dash: not valid but it works

Beter man: not valid but acceptable

Nedward: which kendall theres like three

Sallicious: short

Nedward: which kendal there like 2

Sallicious: kendal not kendall

Nedward: yeah shes valid

Beter man: ive been watching brain pop for 2 hours

Mama john: before all the virus stuff i hated people but now i MISS people

Beter man: SAME

Nedward: i miss yallllll

Betty boop: my dogs are great to talk to but they dont talk back  
Betty boop: i hope

Beter man: cryptic i like it

~~~~time skipppppp~~~~

Spidey squad

Beter man: what category of animal are crabs

Dash: crustacean

Beter man: like they arent birds we can cross that out  
Beter man: im gonna cross out mammals

Dash: crustacean

Nedward: seafood

Beter man: and probs marsupials

Dash: crustacean

Beter man: but are they amphibians or reptiles

Nedward: dolphin

Beter man: crustaceans arent a thing

Dash: crustacean

Beter man: thats not a category

Dash: google it

Nedward: mr krabs

Dash: crustaceans

Beter man: theres bird reptile fish amphibians mammal and marsupial

Nedward: do crabs lay eggs

Mama john: i stg  
Mama john: eggs

Dash: crustaceans

Beter man: holy crap they lay eggs?  
Beter man: i just kinda assumed they appeared  
Beter man: like athena

Nedward: same  
Nedward: ive never seen a pregnant crab

Beter man: now i gotta know

Nedward: i just looked up pregnant crab. I would like bleach for eyes please

Dash: [image: screenshot of google saying crabs are crustaceans]

Mama john: ned why  
Mama john: you know you cant trust the internet with that kind of stuff

Beter man: bungee jumping but anal beads  
Beter man: WRONG CHAT  
Beter man: WRONF CHAT

Nedward: HWAT

Beter man: IGNORE

Dash: WHAT

Mama john: WHAT THE HECK

Beter man: THAT WAS FOR ANOTHE RCHAT

Mama john: WHAT TYPE OF CHAT??

Beter man: ….

Mama john: peter  
Mama john: you were not about to send that to the avengers  
Mama john: were you

Beter man: …  
Beter man: no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peter was 100% sent it to the avengers where he was met with varying amounts of disgust, approval, and yelling


	22. lifesized jesus cutout will kill you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Furry: shuri you cant take over the world
> 
> What are those: why not
> 
> Furry: politics
> 
> Beter man: fuck the governmant
> 
> Language: ^^^
> 
> On your above: STEVE NO
> 
> Binky bornes: STEVE YES

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: so yall know how sometimes a word will get stuck in your head and repeat over and over?

Stank man: yes

On your above: no?

Beter man: you know how songs get stuck in your head but only a small part of time

Language: ?

Beter man: that  
Beter man: THEM

SPYder: yeah

Beter man: WOAAAAAH WERE HALFWAY THERE  
Beter man: communism  
Beter man: thats all thats goin thru my head rn

Biny bornes: hell yeah

Language: bucky NO

Stank man: peter? Are you okay?

Beter man: look at what i just sent  
Beter man: do i look okay?

Stank man: im gonna go with no but i wish i could say yes

SPYder: no

Beter man: ding ding ding

Spidey squad

Maroon jive: my mind wont let me sleep. She keeps reminding me of stupid shit i did in 5th grade

Dash: like what?

Maroon jive: wouldnt you like to know, weatherboy

(b)abe: i still hold a grudge on this dude from pre school that drew on my shirt with an expo marker

Maroon jive: gotta blast

(b)abe: YOU

Dash: run

Spidey squad

Beter man: yall ive never been happier  
Beter man: ive hit 69 followers on tumblr

Nedward: NICE

Maroon jive: nice

Dash: nice

(b)abe: nice

Betty boop: nice

What are those: nice

Beter man: OH SHIT  
Beter man: i had forgotten shuri was here

What are those: yeah i ghost yall a lot  
What are those: brb gotta be a little shit

Dash: that happened

Cindyella: every day of the month is 4/20 and im still not over that

Beter man: smooth topic change

Cindyella: hush

Spidey squad

Beter man: guys  
Beter man: corn starch  
Beter man: corn  
Beter man: starch  
Beter man: starch of corn  
Beter man: corn makes starch its dried thats what corn starch is thats it  
Beter man: cornstarch

Nedward: kinda want corn now

Maroon jive: kinda want to sleep without notifs because its 1 am

Spidey squad

Nedward: im watching a very potter sequel  
Nedward: draco’s dad whos name i cannot spell is a mood

Beter man: nobody tell him

Nedward: ?  
Nedward: WHAT  
Nedward: WHAT

Maroon jive: so you’ve gotten there

Nedward: WHAT

Betty boop: oh no

Nedward: DOBBY?????

Jason borne: XD

Nedward: NO IM FRAGILE RN  
Nedward: DONT XD ME

Beter man: whiplash

Nedward: OH NO GOD  
Nedward: NO

Dash: im gonna make a unicycle

Beter man: cut bike in half

Maroon jive: found a video on tiktok where all these teenagers live in an abandoned church lets do it

Cindyella: LETS

Maroon jive: they turned the main area into a living room then all the sunday school rooms were bedrooms

Dash: lets do it

Maroon jive: ill see if theres any abandoned churches nearby

Beter man: theyre all abandoned

Sallicious: TRU

Cindyella: lets do it

Dash: im down  
Dash: can i bring my unicycle

Beter man: hell ye

Sallicious: we can use the one my grandparents go to

Cindyella: the one you were at for the thanksgiving parade?

Sallicious: yeah that one

Betty boop: I USED TO BE A GIRL SCOUT THERE  
Betty boop: ONE OF THE KIDS ROOMS  
Betty boop: THEYRE ALL NAMED AFTER BIBLE CITIES OR SMTH  
Betty boop: BETHLEHAM

Beter man: ned are you with us

Nedward: IM HAVING A CRISIS

Betty boop: YOU WALK INTO THE ROOM  
Betty boop: AND IN THE CORNER  
Betty boop: JESUS

Maroon jive: sdkjcowsdjb

Cindyella: he terrified me because its a lifesize jesus cardboard cutout  
Cindyella: just lifelike enough to terrify you if the room is dark and youre playing hide and seek

Dash: can we make the church family a cult

Nedward: crisis over

Beter man: how much sacrifice

Maroon jive: yes we can make a cult

Dash: only bad people not animals

Beter man: yes

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: [image: strawberry but the size of a fingernail]  
Beter man: baby strawberry

Binky bornes: tiny

Clont: very

Tiny man: YOU MEAN  
Tiny man: BERRY TINY

Beter man: OH

Clont: NICE

What are those: AHHYYYYYYY

Tiny man: I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK

Scarlet bitch: nICE

Tiny man: THANK YOU

Clont: great dad joke 10/10

Stank man: you would know

Clont: ?

Stank man: because ya know  
Stank man: youre a dad

Clont: wait im what  
Clont: nat am i a dad what

SPYder: no im pretty sure youre not a dad

Language: ???????

THUNDER: remember that whole ultron thing? There was a safe house aka your house

Stank man: your house with a wife and also kids

Clont: WAIT SHIT  
Clont: i never told yall?  
Clont: i meant to tell yall

Language: tell us what?

Clont: that was an old friend we dated once and we’re still friends so i call her my wife  
Clont: i kinda owe her for a thing so i make sure shes financially secure since she cant work  
Clont: i told fury we were married because its easier  
Clont: i swear i told yall that

LIGHTNING BRING THE: huh

Stark: called it. Agent and smaller agents

SPYder: clint i think you thought that you had told them but it was a dream

Clont: oh  
Clont: that makes sense  
Clont: oh  
Clont: whoops

Language: so that just happened

Spidey squad

Betty boop: this face mask  
Betty boop: its like

Cindyella: oh no

Betty boop: okay you know mint gum? The mintiest that tastes like being slapped in the face with a mint plant?  
Betty boop: that but a face mask

Beter man: ooo

(b)abe: sounds fun

Betty boop: it tingles  
Betty boop: youre supposed to leave it on 10 mins but i just wait until it gets more painful than tingly then take it off

Sallicious: i feel like that is not the correct way to go about this

Betty boop: it feels more firey than minty now  
Betty boop: we have switched from cold spicy to hot spicy

Sallicious: TAKE IT OFF

Betty boop: its off

Beter man: i just realized there is probably going to be a lot more babies being born from the quarantine outbreak  
Beter man: what do we call them

Nedward: quaran-teens

Maroon jive: every single one of them will be names quarantina

Dash: beer babies because of corona beer

Cindyella: three types of people

aBeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: cheese is a loaf of milk  
Beter man: beer is liquid bread

What are those: blocked

Beter man: so technically

Stank man: no

Beter man: if you mix cheese and beer and heat it up

Scarlet bitch: i hate this

Beter man: you get liquid grilled cheese

Language: NO

Beter man: but yeah

What are those: im deleting all my contacts now

Beter man: come make liquid grilled cheese with me in my abandoned church home  
Beter man: this is your future

What are those: we shall start a business empire and take over the world

Furry: shuri you cant take over the world

What are those: why not

Furry: politics

Beter man: fuck the governmant

Language: ^^^

On your above: STEVE NO

Binky bornes: STEVE YES

What are those: ANYWAYS  
What are those: can we sell baby shoes

Beter man: fun fact! I was digging thru storage because i had literally nothing better to do and i found a box of baby shoes and for some reason an antique doll

Scarlet bitch: the doll owns you now there nothing we can do

Beter man: can we move to the church now please

Stank man: no

Beter man: but mr stark the tower is haunted and we’re stuck here

Stank man: what about abandoned church doesnt sound haunted

What are those: lifesized jesus cutout will kill you instead of the doll

Scarlet bitch: in the aaaaaarms oooof the aaaangeel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go watch a very potter musical and a very potter sequel theyre great


	23. go to SLEEP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nedward: do you know what i find funny? In the new trolls movie the villians are the punk rockers, in real life punk is a genre based on a strong political belief of anti capitalism and hating the rich. So the captialist music industry music industry is just trying to say that the punks are wrong because they dont like capitalism or is this me losing my brain cells
> 
> Beter man: its 5 am i dont understand anything rn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to whoever wanted cardboard cutout jesus to kill them, my friends think that you're God and im intimidated

Spidey squad

Nedward: you know your sleep scedule is fucked when you go to bed at 2:30 am then wake up the same day at 2:40 pm sleeping a total of more than 12 hrs then stay up the next day and today i still havent fallen asleep

Nedward: i can hear my mom getting ready for work this isnt okay

Beter man: same i have no sleep scedule at this point

Nedward: i didnt expect anybody to answer at this time

Nedward: do you know what i find funny? In the new trolls movie the villians are the punk rockers, in real life punk is a genre based on a strong political belief of anti capitalism and hating the rich. So the captialist music industry music industry is just trying to say that the punks are wrong because they dont like capitalism or is this me losing my brain cells

Beter man: its 5 am i dont understand anything rn

Avergerd asemblrea

Tiny man: hey guys i just started thinking what the fuck is pumpernickle

SPYder: bread

Tiny man: WHAT

Spidey squad

Beter man: GUESS WHOS BEEN UP FOR OVER 24 HOURS  
Beter man: ima see how long i can go

Mish jash: no

Beter man: also i havent eaten in 5 ½ hours

Nedward: NO

Beter man: im doing great

Cindyella: i have found a purpose for the tiny handbag i made  
Cindyella: [image: tiny gordon ramsay holding tiny handbag]  
Cindyella: peter i stg go sleep now

Beter man: YES TINY HANDBAG

Sallicious: YES OMG

Mish jash: cidny i love you and all your creations

Beter man: IM LOVE IT

Spidey squad

Beter man: i slept for the first time in 35 hours and i slept for 12 hours this is the pinnacle of health

Nedward: why

Beter man: why not

Dash: why do you do that

Beter man: also i slept on my arm funny and when i woke up i couldnt move my fingers because my right arm was numb from my elbow down

Mish jash: P E T E R

Beter man: IM FINE  
Beter man: lets change the topic

Nedward: i have resorted to stealing stuffed animals from a three year old and not giving them back

Cindyella: a mood?

Dash: yes

Cindyella: a mood

Nedward: quote from 3 year old “i promise i wont hurt you” and then a few seconds later “tonight”  
Nedward: yall i think shes gonna kill me

Beter man: oh  
Beter man: oh okay

Nedward: im gonna fight her

Beter man: DO IT

Dash: DO NOT

Nedward: also my mom is making me do kahn academy and im gonna scream

Mish jash: oh no

Beter man: oh god

Sallicious: maybe its better is the sister kills you so that you wouldnt have to do math

Nedward: oh true  
Nedward: bath time etiquette is in the negatives rn guys

Mish jash: is she trying to kill

Nedward: twin one keeps trying to choke twin 2

Dash: now we dont have time to unpack all of that so lets just

cindyella: every male in my house just shaved their heads and im just saying my impulsivity is kinda high rn

Betty boop: okay

Mish jash: do it

Sallicious: NO

Mish jash: do it  
Mish jash: do it  
Mish jash: do it

Sallicious removed mish jash

Betty boop added mish jash

Mish jash removed sallicious

Cindyella added sallicious

Mish jash: D O I T

Dash: do it

Sallicious removed mish jash

Sallicious removed dash

Beter man removed sallicious

Cindyella added mish jash

Mish jash added dash

Nedward added sallicious

(b)abe: [octopus emoji] the octopus is so ugly oh my god

Beter man: WHAT

Sallicious removed dash

Mish jash added dash

Dash removed sallicious

Betty boop added sallicious

Nedward: that is horrifying please never

Mish jash: you commited a CRIME

Cindyella: why does he look like that

Sallicious: what happened i was REMOVED

Beter man: [screenshot of the octopus emoji]

Sallicious: HORRIBLE

Beter man: anyways  
Beter man: do yall remember how i used to be in band before i dropped out

Nedward: yeah

Beter man: i still get emails because i never asked not to and its fun  
Beter man: theyre having the end of the year party online via livestream youtube  
Beter man: im watching its great  
Beter man: [screenshot of youtube livestream comments section

messina: if anybody misspells my name you fail the last semester  
Mads: okay messiah  
Brent: messy  
Thomas jefferson: messerna  
Birthday boi: massaah  
Mads: mannah  
Brody: okay mansimba the 38th]

Cindyella: im

Mish jash: amazing

Nedward: i love

Spidey squad

Beter man: its storming outside  
Beter man: i kinda like it

Cindyella: i love the rain at night

Dash: same

Dash: house just shook  
Dash: dont like it anymore

Nedward: f u n

Sallicious: THE LIVHTS ARE FLICKERING

Beter man: O H

Nedward: my lights are flickering!!

Beter man: lmao mine arent

Mish jash: my lights wont stop flickering  
Mish jash: AND THEYRE OUT

Dash: mine just went out

Nedward: we just lost power

Cindyella: thats another one for apocalypse bingo!

Beter man: lol imagine

Nedward: shut

Dash: ?

Beter man: imagine having your house powered by an electricity company

Mish jash: why do you do this

Beter man: you know i had to do it to ‘em

Betty boop: im confused

Beter man: im staying at the tower  
Beter man: currently the only building in the area with power

Dash: dude

Avergerd asemblrea

Beter man: the fact that the fact that owls cant actually turn their heads 360 degrees is actually a myth will. Literally always astound me

Beter man: aunt may: *workds v hard to keep me on a strict scedule so that im a function humon that includes (absurd) set waking and sleeping times*  
Me: the second she turns away *ima stay awake til 3 and watch old tv shows*

Beter man: ive never in my life watched steven universe but ive got a bop from it stuck in my head and it wont leave  
Beter man: also propped each on tiktok rare phi rays and fern songs are theyre wrong. The top three are easily busted, simp and no chiffon wow wow and thats just fact  
Beter man: *people on tik tok are rating phil rays and fern song and they are wrong  
Beter man: *bow chicka wow wow  
Beter man: *phineas and ferb

Mister stank: peter go to SLEEP

Spidey squad

(b)abe: when i put my contacts in everything looks so much bigger  
(b)abe: like are my glasses making things smaller or are my contacts showing the true size

(b)abe added beter man to the conversation

(b)abe: i think the group chat is possessed  
(b)abe: because it keeps removing people  
(b)abe: even tho it doesnt say anyone left the convo  
(b)abe: am scare

Beter man: wha  
Beter man: who got removed

(b)abe: you

Beter man: *x files theme plays*

Avergerd asemblrea

What are those: do you ever think that like what if you are wearing a wig and you dont even know  
What are those: like maybe you got some like glue on wig and you forgot  
What are those: how would you know

Scarlet bitch: oh my god

What are those: you would be living a lie

Spidey squad

Beter man: [long man](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZsJyCyGBSI)  
Beter man: IM CRYING PLEASE WATCH  
Beter man: ITS NOT A RICKROLL IM SOBBING

Nedward: im suspicious  
Nedward: clicking  
Nedward: THATS A THING OKAY

Dash: the last day of school we had before quarentine started was friday the 13th and imnotsayingimsupersticousbutlikedamn

cindyella: idontlikethatatall

Mish jash: (no it wasnt)  
Mish jash: (we had the friday off)

Nedward: i was on tumblr and found  
Nedward: [well that happened](https://smooththegoofyshark.tumblr.com/post/615211485213458432/the-1969-easter-mass-incident)  
Nedward: happy easter?

Beter man: i finally paid off my animal crossing debt!!!  
Beter man: to celebrate i spent 198000 dollars i do not have and another 2000 on fun haircuts and am back in debt

Dash: peter no

Beter man: am good with money  
Beter man: happy easter!  
Beter man: i forgot abt that because i dont celebrate it whoops

Mish jash: lmao

Spidey squad

(b)abe: so uh

Betty boop: oh no

(b)abe: excuse you  
(b)abe: for like 10 seconds i think i had 20/20 vision without glasses or contacts

Charlie brown: huh  
Charlie brown: nice

(b)abe: like i focused so hard my brain hurt but my eyesight came back

Cindyella: fun fun fun okay uh

Beter man: i want to go spidermanning and yell at mr stark  
Beter man: but i will not do that because i am a proper young man

Mish jash: you good?

Beter man: im mad and i wanna fight god and run away to live in an old abandoned church  
Beter man: to gloat when ive won

Mish jash: okay i’ll come with

Dash: what is it with yall and living in old churches

Beter man: im gonna fight mr stark

Mish jash: sounds fun (i’ll hide the body)

Nedward: FRIENDS TO ENEMIES TO LOVERS IF GAY PEOPLE WERE ALLOWED IN MOVIES THIS WOULD HAPPEN

Beter man: u okay ned

Nedward: ERIOUDJFNCSDKIUFFE

Sallicious: can i send my dad to jail for cheating in monopoly

Betty boop: of course

Spidey squad

Beter man: i dropped my phone on my face then said in a weird voice “i jus got hit inthe face” and made a weird sound i should sleep

Nedward: that sounds luke a good idea  
Nedward: luke  
Nedward: like  
Nedward: ahhh  
Nedward: sleeb

Dash: sleep is for the weak  
Dash: jk sleep is for the mentally stable

Mish jash: agreed

Beter man: sleep might be for the mentally stable but i havent been stable a day in my life

Nedward: ughhhhhhhhhhh  
Nedward: i hate being up this late  
Nedward: i hate EVERIGNTING USJDESGRWH  
Nedward: *dies inside*

Beter man: ned if youre not happy soon i will have to hug you

Cindyella: when your parents send you to bed early for no reason then wake you up at 7:30 also for no reason then get mad when youre tired because you went to bed early and when you try to say its because you literally just woke up they cut you off and tell you tonight youll have to go to bed earlier

Beter man: WAS ANYBODY GOING TO TELL ME MANATEES LIVE IN THE SWAMP ALONG THE GULF OF MEXICO

Nedward: LETS GO GET ONE

Beter man: but what do we name it

Nedward: we get two and name one pork and the other chop

Beter man: awww, chop pork

Mish jash: tf

Nedward: hi my name is ned and i still get scared when going thru car washes

Dash: why were you at a carwash

Nedward: to wash the car

Dash: understandable, have a nice day

Nedward: like what if we get stuck  
Nedward: IT STOPPED

Betty boop: oh hell no

Nedward: AND MY MOM GOES “HOLY CRAP THAT GUY HAS AN AXE” JUST TO MESS WITH ME  
Nedward: NEVER AGAIN

Betty boop: NOPE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am begging yall for more MJ names i dug a hole by changing them every chapter and now i gotta jump in it
> 
> edit* apparently "you dug that hole now go jump in it" isn't an idiom but im not changing it
> 
> i swear on my dogs life it isnt a rickroll please watch


	24. satsuma larry and bitlife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope yall realize that i dont plan these out. i just sit down for two hours and go 
> 
> also some slightly NSFW names for bitlife characters so if that makes you uncomfortable skip a few lines immedietly after the satsuma larry name change and "satsuma georg" in all caps
> 
> Thank you Sparkling_Platypus_King for reccomending MJ's name this chapter!!

Spidey squad

Beter man: what if  
Beter man: what if what if what if  
Beter man: i FIX my sleep scedule  
Beter man: by staying up all night tonight

Dash: i’ll do it with you

Beter man: and therefore ill be tired tommorow and go to sleep at a normal time

Dash: perfect

Beter man: there is no way this could go wrong

Dash: ive done it twice this week  
Dash: whats one more time

Beter man: hmmmm

Dash: im FINE

Spidey squad

Nedward: do you ever get nervous when your ceiling fan shakes because you think its going to fall on you

macroglobulin jamb: oh all the time

Cindyella: that happened to my grandma  
Cindyella: the blade shot off and hit the wall

Dash: oh my god  
Dash: were you there

Beter man: ngl that sounds cool

Cindyella: i wasnt there but i heard about it after

Nedward: can you imagine just vibing in your room fan on then bam a hole in the wall and -1 fan blade

macroglobulin jamb: top 10 improvised weapons

Beter man: i cannot stop eating dum dum sticks  
Beter man: i just keep going  
Beter man: and going  
Beter man: and i dont even realize it until its just gone  
Beter man: i just ate 2 and a half

Nedward: oh my god peter n o

Beter man: i literally cannot control it  
Beter man: i physically cannot stop

(b)abe: peter why stop no

Beter man: it just happens  
Beter man: do you know how many dum dum sticks ive eaten this quarantine

macroglobulin jamb: thats not okay dude

Beter man: more than i can count on all three of my hands

Dash: hmm thats a lot of hands

Beter man: thanks i grow them spontaneously its because of the spider bite

Cindyella: wait what

Beter man: it just be like that

Nedward: hes messing with yall he cannot grow extra limbs

Beter man: but i can grow them back!!

macroglobulin jamb: how do you know that

macroglobulin jamb: peter

macroglobulin jamb: peter

Avergerd asemblrea

Stank man: wait avacadoes are fruits?

Clont: GUACAMOLE IS A JAM

Language: avacados are what now

On your above: GUACAMOLE IS WHAT SIR

Binky bornes: fruit smoothie

Language: no

Thunder: why not?

Stank man: my life is a lie

Scarlet bitch: wisdom is knowing avacado is a fruit

Country roads: that means every time you eat a tomato and avocado salad youre just eating a fruit salad

SPYder: dont forget pineapple and bananas  
SPYder: for a berry smoothie

Furry: thats it im quitting the team

Spidey squad

Beter man: i finally paid off my debt!!  
Beter man: nvm

Nedward: YESSS

Betty boop: oop

Nedward: dude  
Nedward: i got excited

Beter man: so far ive paid this raccoon about 300000 bells

Dash: okay

Beter man: and now i owe him 4000000 more

macroglobulin jamb: why

Beter man: because i want a bone room

Cindyella: my house is only 2 rooms because im afraid of debt

Beter man: coward. You’re only a true gamer when you owe the raccoon your firstborn child

Nedward: A bitlife power move is becoming rich after being forced to be an author because you were fired from your job as a janitor because you insulted your supervisor and you’re a janitor because you were fired from your job as a lawyer because you were sent to jail and now you’re a famous author and you have 26 kids

Dash: holy shit

Cindyella: iconic

Spidey squad

Beter man: i woke up at two in the morning last night and wrote something in my notes and im very scared

macroglobulin jamb: show  
Nedward: show  
Betty boop: show

Beter man: [image of the notes app, one line reads “he’s stealing the satsumas” and the one underneath reads “satsuma larry”

Nedward: oh god  
Nedward: oh god he  
Nedward: R u n

Beter man: who is larry

macroglobulin jamb: god

Dash: satsuma larry is trumps alter ego

Cindyella: oh my g o d

(b)abe: satsuma LARRY

Beter man changed group name to “satsuma Larry knows all”

Nedward: so this was a coincidence but  
Nedward: [image: bitlife character named Avery Sack-Von Stroke  
Nedward: no regerts

Betty boop: we love

Nedward: also i just exorcised ben franklin, my mom, and my grandfather  
Nedward: oh now thomas jefferson idk what going on with founding fathers over here

macroglobulin jamb: nice

Nedward: the total is mom3x grandma 2x grandgrandpa 1x along with 2 founding fathers and clayton the friendly ghost

Dash: n i c e

Nedward: oh hell yeah the ghost of christmas yet to come

Satsuma Larry knows all

Nedward: [screenshot of Bitlife: My leopard Victor attacked me! I released my leopard Victor into the wild. Surveillance footage shows a leopard loose in Regina mauling a shoplifter.]  
Nedward: whoops

Cindyella: victor might come back

Nedward: victor is going to get killed by my gorilla if he tries

Dash: what if victor and the gorilla are working together

Nedward: well i only got the gorilla because i want the “get decapitated by gorilla” achievement so thats fine

macroglobulin jamb: you are the most chaotic bitlife player ive ever encountered

Nedward: thank you  
Nedward: oh good news i have 0% smart

(b)abe: nice

Beter man: day whatever of quarantine and i have convinced myself im a murderer

macroglobulin jamb: i told you to stop reading the daily bugle

Beter man: what no  
Beter man: i have baby blood on my hands  
Beter man: i murdered a child  
Beter man: i am distraught  
Beter man: not directly  
Beter man: but i most likely got a child kidnapped

Dash: im sorry what

Betty boop: peter

Beter man: it all started when i stole a dog

Nedward: you good dude?

Beter man: i stole a dog and named him sandwich  
Beter man: and then my aunt was like you stole a dog you fool go Return it  
Beter man: so i got to the neighborhood where the dog was stolen and i began to walk back to the yard i had stolen it from  
Beter man: i was also like 10

Sallicious: oh thank god that makes so much more sense

Nedward: peter we all thought this had just happened right now

Beter man: so im holding the dog when this truck pulls up and tells me to get in the truck and to put the dog in the seat because it was his dog

macroglobulin jamb: oh no

Beter man: now this was a very large man and there was like hockey sticks and tennis tackets in the truck and he told me to climb in  
Beter man: and like the smart child i am i thought this man is going to kidnap me

Dash: a reasonable conclusion

(b)abe: did you die

Beter man: unfortunately, yes

(b)abe: o h n o

Beter man: but i lived  
Beter man: so i say no im not an idiot and dropped the dog and ran away

Cindyella: did you just quote ice age

Beter man: as one does when they think theyre going to get kidnapped  
Beter man: but then i never told the police  
Beter man: and now that man probably stole a baby

Nedward: why do i feel like you told me that story before

Beter man: because we’ve been friends since 1st grade and it was very memorable

Nedward: ah

Beter man: but i caused a baby to get stolen and i didnt even get a dog  
Beter man: i havent seen sandwich since  
Beter man: oh mr stark just called me they found the kid

macroglobulin jamb: what a ride

Satsuma larry knows all

Beter man: i think im going crazy my switch is off and animal crossing isnt running and im hearing the sound it makes when you get mail over and over again

Sallicious: are you okay?

Nedward changed the group name to Spidey squad

Nedward: i kept losing this chat because of the wrong name

Beter man: not to mention now when i look at furniture i think of the crafting recipie  
Beter man: real life is no more  
Beter man: animal crossing sounds havent stopped playing in my head

(b)abe: thats not good

Beter man: i think it is tho  
Beter man: ive evolved

Nedward: are you okay

Beter man: i think the mail noises are my subconsciousness trying to tell me im having a thought

macroglobulin jamb: its your background music

Beter man: YOU’RE RIGHT

Spidey squad

Cindyella: me, out loud in my room: okay what color do i feel  
Me: three  
Me: no you cant convert the color three into an emotion  
Me:  
Me: i will now sit down and have a crisis  
Cindyella: all i want is a color for my scarf im making  
Cindyella: i feel 3 how do i convert that into a number  
Cindyella: wait

Sallicious: tf kinda drugs are you doing and can i have some

Betty boop: guys i was looking at jefferson high’s dress code because my sister is going there next year  
Betty boop: and its kinda great  
Betty boop: “shorts/skirts must allow a full range of motion without undergarments showing”  
Betty boop: thats IT

macroglobulin jamb: none of that fingertip length bs

(b)abe: we live  
(b)abe: love

Nedward: live

macroglobulin jamb: jefferson high- dont show your underwear ig lmao  
Midtown: i swear to god if the tops of your knees show the police will arrest you and you will go to hell so fast you wont even see god. And god forbid you show an inch of your shoulder you may as well become a hooker you hoe  
macroglobulin jamb: that got a little aggressive

Sallicious: ORUEDJNSVWSC  
Betty boop: really tho

Cindyella: columbus high- show up naked we seriously dont care

Betty boop: breaking news- midtowns dress code sucks

Avergerd asemblrea

Beter man: my knee hurts  
Beter man: why is hurts present but hurt past  
Beter man: thats stupid  
Beter man: lets change tenses by making it plural  
Beter man: F to any and all people learning english as a second language

Stank man: how do you hurt in plural

Beter man: many burts for the all of me  
Beter man: “S” at the end makes it plural its just b like that

Stank man: we have to sleep or pepper is going to kill us

Spidey squad

Beter man: IM GOING TO CAUSE A GENOCIDE

macroglobulin jamb: imagine screenshotting that and sending it to JJJ

Beter man: do NOT  
Beter man: IM GOING TO BE KICKED OUT OF THE TOWER SOON

cindyella: wait why what

Beter man: I HAD O N E THING THAT MADE ME HAPPY AND THAT WAS ANIMAL CROSSING

Nedward: oh no oh no

Beter man: AND SAM BROKE MY SWITCH  
Beter man: AND IM GOING TO KILL HIM NOW

macroglobulin jamb: hey peter guess what

Beter man: DONT TALK TO ME IM SAD

macroglobulin jamb: remember how tony is a billionare and he’s lowkey adopted you

Beter man: wait he’s what

macroglobulin jamb: ask him to buy you another switch

Beter man: i cant ask him to do that!!!!

macroglobulin jamb: peter its animal crossing do you want it or no

Beter man: crap

Nedward:[badly formatted meme: gordon ramasay saying "he has stolen 1.7 million dollars of saatsumas already" and underneath a mole wearing sunglasses saying "satsuma larry is singlehandedly upping the crime rate with his behavior "]  
Nedward: i have too much time on my hands

Betty boop: I LOVE IT

Dash: They say that the average person steals 50 cents of satsumas over their life. This is actually a statistical error. Satsuma Larry, who has stolen 1.7 million dollars of satsumas over his life is an outlier and should not be counted

Cindyella: flash that just gave me whiplash

Dash: good

Cindyella: SATSUMA GEORGE

Nedward: SATSUMA GEORG

Spidey squad

Nedward: [screenshot of bitlife showing the character’s name is “Katie Swallows Stroker”]  
Nedward: also good news bitlife me has cancer  
Nedward: and i exorcised the candy man

Dash: as you should

Beter man: so i forgot babies exist

macroglobulin jamb: how??

Beter man: [screenshot of the “Avergerd asemblrea” group chat:  
Stank man: pizza cut into squares remains an indignity but okay why not? They have small teeth and low calorie requirements  
Beter man: or no teeth it depends  
Stank man: im not sure youre supposed to feed no-teeth humans pizza  
Beter man: blender  
On your above: okay but children at birthday parties eat a lot of cake then they feel sick  
Binky bornes: then give them back to their parents?  
Beter man: your problem now suckers  
Stank man: wouldnt it depend on when they get teeth?  
Beter man: but what would blender pizza TASTE like  
Stank man: peter why  
Beter man: so i forgot babies exist  
On your above: EWFOHNJCDFUWIEB  
Beter man: I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT KIDS WHO WERE LOSING TEETH AND GROWING THE BACK AGAIN  
Stank man: well i guess that explains why you were trying to give them pizza??]

macroglobulin jamb: good job

Nedward: amazing  
Nedward: [screenshot of bitlife: a betta fish for sale named “Gaylord”]  
Nedward: SOLD  
Nedward: [screenshot of bitlife: Gaylord is dead]  
Nedward: NO

(b)abe: a tragedy in 2 acts

Nedward: HE DIDNT EVEN MAKE IT ONE YEAR???

Sallicious: a funeral must be held

Beter man: can we get an F for gaylord the betta fish

Nedward: f

macroglobulin jamb: f

Dash: f

Sallicious: f

(b)abe: f

Beter man: he will be mist  
Beter man: get it  
Beter man: because mist is water and he was a fish  
Beter man: leaving now


	25. Arms and Puns

aVebgerd asSEmbel

Tictac: im so upset

On your above: oh?

Tictac: every time your breathe you’re hitting a human flavored vape

SPYder: no

Tictac: seriously i dont want other peoples lung juice in my lungs in not into that what if ive hit a murder flavored human vape

Language: i dont like this

Tictac: NEITHER DO I

Beter man: hhhhhhh no

Scarlet bitch: who decided air was communal i think ohar air was onto something

What are those: thats the plot of the lorax

Binky bornes: no the plot of the lorax was about a selfish capitalist twink ohaire air has the right idea

What are those: everything is owned by selfish capitalists?

Stank man: mcscuse you

What are those: i said what i said

Tictac: i dont want to talk about capitalism i want to talk about how i have murderer lung juice inside of me

Clont: lets just. Never talk again please

Two idiots and MJ

Milk Jake: [image: fake tweet from the CDC reading “please refrain from kissing your homies goodnight”]

GITC: i refuse  
GITC: absolutely not

Biderman: rules are made to be broken

Milk jake: just like your spines if you dont GO TO BED at a reasonable time

Biderman: please dont break my spine i need it to make a long furby

GITC: if spines were made to be broken i dont think humanity would have made it this long

Biderman: they totally were. Like raw spaghetti

GITC: what are you implying

Milk jake: i think hes broken a few before

Biderman: oh im not implying it im saying it outright and im not afraid to do it again

GITC: okay

Biderman: they make a nice noise too

Milk jake: cronch

GITC: asmr?

Biderman: c r o n c h

aVebgerd asSEmbel

Clont: HOLY SHIT NO

On your above: WHAT TE FCUK

Tiny stank: IM GOING TO CRY WAHT

Beter man: WHATS WRONG?

Binky bornes: YOU

Beter man: WHAT DID I DO???

On your above: YOUR ARM?????

Beter man: WHAT ABOUT IT?

Clont: YOU RIPPED YOUR FUNKING ARM OFF

Beter man: I HAD A PAPERCUT AND IT HURT

Tiny stank: SO YOU R I P P E D Y O U R A R M O F F

Beter man: YES?

Binky bornes: PETER YOURE MISSING AN ARM

Beter man: SO ARE YOU  
Beter man: IT’LL GROW BACK ITS FINE

Tiny stank: im going to scream

Clont: how did we not know about this wtf

On your above: im just going to  
On your above: leave now  
On your above: and sleep for a while

Spidey squad

Beter man: guys i found a dog his name is sandwich and i cant keep him but heres a picture of me holding him [image: peter (minus one arm) holding a small brown dog and grinning at the camera]

Betty boop: peter

Dash: ???????????

Salacious: uh

(b)abe: peter why are you missing an arm

Beter man: i got a paper cut

Cindyella: ???????

Dash: how big was the paper?????

Beter man: oh no the paper didnt take the arm off i did

Betty boop: um

sallicious: huh

Dash: hmm

(b)abe: and why did you take the arm off

Beter man: because the paper cut hurt

Cindyella: ????????????????

Dash: okay to make things clear  
Dash: you got a paper cut

Beter man: correct

Dash: and to fix the pain  
Dash: you t o o k y o u r a r m o f f

Beter man: correct

Dash: cool just checking

Nedward: peter wtf stop ripping off limbs just because of small pains

(b)abe: you knew he did this?

Nedward: the first time was  
Nedward: horrifying

Beter man: i said sorry!!!

Nedward: and now its just kinda another thing

Salacious: cool cool cool cool cool

Spidey squad

Betty boop: hey does anybody here know how to adult

(b)abe: why would you send that to this chat  
(b)abe: like  
(b)abe: what answer were you expecting

Betty boop: yeah good point

Dash: peter drinks red bull at three am cindy keeps trying to burn her face off wheres everybody else

Beter man: dead  
Beter man: we’re ghosted by them 99% of the time

Charlie brown: Hi all,  
It has been brought to my attention that I have been somewhat absent in recent times. I would like to apologize for this inconvenience and while I cannot guarantee it’s reformation, I can tell you with utmost certainty that I will monitor the situation closely.  
-Charles

Charlie brown: How’s that for adult

Dash: oh my god charles

Cindyella: my face is burning  
Cindyella: this mask goes hard like  
Cindyella: ow

(b)abe: my parents found a kitten and i wanted to name her gas station but we’re naming her violet  
(b)abe: apparently theres no cute nickname for gas station

Dash: gassy

Milk jake: no

Nedward: im calling her gas station

(b)abe: gasolina

Beter man: gasolina stacy

Milk jake: n o

Beter man: gassy stacy

Milk jake: do not call the poor cat gassy stacy peter

Spidey squad

Beter man: ithinkiwasbittenbyaspider

Milk jake: and what makes you think that?

Beter man: imsticky

Dash: wow really?

Beter man: imontheceilinghowdidthishappen

Nedward: you dont say

Beter man: idranktencupsofcoffeeandnowimstickythisiscool

Cindyella: wow we didnt know you were sticky  
Cindyella: tell us more

Beter man: woahtheresweirdgadgetsonmywristswhathappensifihitthebutton

Nedward: they dont work unless theyre pointing at your face

Betty boop: NED

Beter man: icantsee

Spidey squad

Sallicious: [image: an aisle of sinks at Lowes]  
Sallicious: im getting a sinking feeling about their inventory

Cindyella: how dare you

Sallicious: [image: one straw]  
Sallicious: this is the  
Sallicious: last straw

(b)abe: salli no  
(b)abe: *sally

Nedward: congrats

(b)abe: i cant type

Nedward: no typing

(b)abe: braid said now  
(b)abe: *brain said no  
(b)abe: god  
(b)abe: i thins im dyeing

Nedward: nice

(b)abe: THINK

Nedward: dyeing

(b)abe: HOLY CRAP

Nedward: *thumbs up emoji*

Sallicious: [image: outside of lowes]  
Sallicious: this mission for a sink has taken me to new lowes

Beter man: oh god no more puns

Sallicious: i know, it must be quite draining to hear

Milk jake: SALLY NO

Sallicious: faucet, i am the pun master

Nedward: oh my GOD

Dash: how dare you

Spidey squad

Sallicious: man its pretty  
Sallicious: [image of chilli’s logo]  
Sallicious: in here

Betty boop: NO

Spidey squad

Sallicious: i think i live at lowes now  
Sallicious: my favorite section is the lights, its pretty lit

Beter man: i was waiting for the lowes pun but jesus christ

Sallicious: i hate to pipe in but im here for a sink again

Cindyella: NO

(b)abe: sally im begging you to stop my last Braincel cant take this

Nedward: braincel

(b)abe: HHHH

Sallicious: [image: quick sketch of a brain behind bars]  
Sallicious: its a brain cell

Milk jake: oh my god

Sallicious: [image: pink wood]  
Sallicious: why wood anybody need pink lumber

Beter man: WHY

Dash: what if we live in a zoo  
Dash: not like what if we moved to a zoo i mean what if we were currently living an a zoo

Beter man: oh

Dash: like what if the aliens or robots or smth are watching us just for fun like we wouldnt know

(b)abe: personally im fine with aliens throwing food in my direction

Betty boop: i’ll throw food in their direction see how they like it

Sallicious: idk seems like it would be alienating

Spidey squad

(b)abe: corn jelly

Dash: ?? okay

(b)abe: i thought that i would share

Cindyella: appreciate the thought but no thanks

(b)abe: :(

Dash: wait no im sorry

(b)abe: its fiiiiine  
(b)abe: anyways corn jelly

Sallicious: corn jelly sounds like its making you field bad

Nedward: sally please  
Nedward: i can not

Sallicious: i think i’ll invest some stalk in the corn jelly business

Dash: nooooooooooooo

Sallicious: i presume it will be quite difficult to navigate the maize that is the corn industry tho

Milk jake: how dare you

Sallicious: what happened?  
Sallicious: im cornfused

nedward: NO

Sallicious: Just giving a kernel of truth

Betty boop: sally i love you but why

Sallicious: sorry these jokes are corny

_Dash removed Sallyicious from the chat_

Spidey squad

Beter barker: nasa is yeeting some people into space in like 30 minutes

(b)abe: ??

Beter barker: for the first time in like 10 years ish

Sallicious: i hope they rocket

Milk jake: im going to shoot somebody

Sallicious: so are they  
Sallicious: into space

Milk jake: *gun emoji*

Sallicious; if i were going into space id be so scared i wouldnt eat launch

Milk jake: *gun emoji* *gun emoji*

Beter man: wait how is sally here flash kicked her

Nedward: i plead the fifth

Sallicious: :)


	26. is that sexy trump?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clont: this reminds me of the time natasha was trying to intimidate steve so she was going to take a bite out of an apple while making eye contact  
> Clont: but she grabbed an onion instead
> 
> Tictac: oh NO
> 
> Clont: and bit into it
> 
> lAnGuAgE: THAT WAS TRAUMATIZING

Spidey Squad

12:17 AM  
(b)abe: [image: kitten stuck in one of those food containers with the bowl at the bottom]  
(b)abe: lost in the sauce

Betty boop: GET HER OUT!!!  
Betty boop: HOW DID SHE GET STUCK

Nedward: NOOOOOO

Sallicious: SAVE HER

(B)abe: dont worry its not gas station

Nedward: oh cool then

Sallicious: lost in the sauce

Betty boop: lost in the sauce

Beter man: so apparently my body does NOT enjoy benadryl and nyquil for dinner

Nedward: nO

Beter man: mind over matter gotta assert dominance over this vessel

Nedward: NOOO  
Nedward: eat food now

Beter man: water is food  
Beter man: and i ate water  
Beter man: as i was taking the benadryl

Nedward: NO

Beter man: well no it was nyquil  
Beter man: but theyre both liquid so its the same

Dash: eat food

Nedward: GO EAT

Beter man: whats a loan shark

moo juice: uh?  
moo juice: that was sudden

Sallicious: idk

Beter man: same idk thats why i asked

Nedward: prove youre eating

Beter man: i ammmmmm

Nedward: yeah but prove it i dont believe you

Beter man: FINE [image: blurry, unable to make out exactly what it is, very colorful]  
Beter man: snack

Nedward: NO

Dash: ?  
Dash: oh my god is that trump

Beter man: its sexy

Dash: DONT EAT SEXY

Beter man: her name is sexy trump  
Beter man: [image: construction paper man wearing a blue suit, red tie, fishnets, red heels, and orange hair in the shape of Trump’s hair]

Nedward: EAT FOOD I STG

Moo juice: i will have yall know that my cousin just saw that picture and said all my friends are weird

Beter man: but you love us

Moo juice: eh

Nedward: eat food peter

Beter man: no im cold

Nedward: too bad bring blanket

Beter man: the blankets are on my bed which is where i will stay

Nedward: no too bad eat food

Beter man: the only snack in my bed is me  
Beter man: do you want me to cannabis myself  
Beter man: [image: box webbed to the ceiling]  
Beter man: box on ceiling

Dash: ???

Cindyella: theres a lot of things to unpack here

Moo juice: oh no

Beter man: hmm?

Moo juice: idk

Spidey squad

Nedward: somebody save me from this hell

Moo juice: nah

Betty boop: hm?

Nedward: im playing monopoly with my family

Beter man: oh no

Betty boop: whats wrong with monopoly?

Beter man: neds family gets  
Beter man: hm  
Beter man: competitive  
Beter man: in monopoly

Moo juice: and ned always takes bad deals on accident and loses

Nedward: always  
Nedward: anywho just trying to go bankrupt

Beter man: declare bankruptcy

Nedward: sir  
Nedward: i have tried to do that already

Nedward: GUESS WHOS BANKRUPT!!!!!!!!

Moo juice: YESSSSSS

Beter man: YESSSSSSSSSSS

Betty boop: yay?

Moo juice: i will Scream how do you draw eyes

Nedward: idk

Moo juice: thanks

Dash: i feel your w  
Dash: pain  
Dash: cannot type

Sallicious: eye cant draw them either

Dash: ma’am

Sallicious: its okay if we dont see eye to eye on this one

Dash: MA’AM

Sallicious: some pupils dont get it, and thats okay

Nedward: sallyyyyyyyyyyy WHY

Sallicious: woah no need to lash out

Moo juice: booooooo

Beter man: AHHHHH

Sallicious: i know, my eye puns couldnt be much cornea

Dash: boooooooooo

Sallicious: its kinda eyeronic, we went back to corn

Betty boop: nO

Sallicious: corn jelly!!

Dash: NO

Sallicious: its just how i roll

Nedward: never change

Beter man has left the chat

Beter man has been added to the chat by Moo Juice

Sallicious: i knew IRISked people leaving

Beter man: how DARE

Sallicious: its probably not eye-deal to have to listen to this  
Sallicious: but i hope you appreciate my insight

nedward: i am begging you to stop

Spidey squad

Dash: i cannot have one night without my father calling me worthless

Nedward: oh no

Beter man: sounds like i need to kidnap you

Nedward: those are the rules :)

Beter man: you know the rules and so do i  
Beter man: a full commitments what im thinking of

Dash: YOU COULDNT GET THIS FROM ANY OTHER GUY

Nedward: IIIIIII JUST WANNA TELL YOU HOW IM FEELING

Beter man: gotta make you UNDERSTAND

Dash: n e v e r g o n n a g i v e y o u u p

Nedward: N E V E R G O N N A L E T Y O U D O W N

Sallicious: n e v e r g o n n r u n a r o u n d a n d d e s e r t y o u

Beter man: nEvEr GoNnA mAkE yOu CrY

Moo juice: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING  
Moo juice: I MUTE FOR T E N MINUTES????

Moo juice: RESPOND YOU COWARDS

Spidey squad

Beter man: THEYRE MAKING A PERCY JACKSON TV SERIES

Nedward: YESS

Beter man: BUT RICK HAS ACTUAL INPUT THIS TIME

Moo juice: not like those sad excuses for movies

Beter man: what movies

Moo juice: the pjo movies?

Nedward: there are no percy jackson movies idk what youre talking about

Moo juice: the percy jackson movies? The ones i will find every copy of and make a bonfire out of??

Dash: what are you talking about there arent any movies

Moo juice: oh  
Moo juice: idk what i was talking about there must have been possessed by me from a darker universe

Beter man: one with twilight in it

Nedward: whats twilight

Cinderella: never heard of it

Moo juice: idk

Spidey squad

Beter man: what if the ancient gods were time travelers

Nedward: wait

Beter man: and their godlike powers were just from technology that the ancients didnt understand

Dash: oh my god???

Beter man: ooh and what if the era the people were time traveling from had forgotten the ancient myths so they happened to name the kids after deities because its a million years in the future or something

Nedward: i mean “zeus” isnt as weird as that fighter jet kid

Moo juice: *stares at elon musk*

Beter man: and the cutoff for time travel is at the year 0 and jesus was a time traveler  
Beter man: and jesus was a dramatic little bitch so he pretended to be the son of god and “died” and stuff but he really just poofed back to his time

(b)abe: some dude from the future: jesus! What happened?!  
Guy named jesus: dude the past is w i l d

Dash: oh my g o d

Beter man: all of jesus’ miracles and stuff is just Future Technology™

Spidey squad

Moo juice: so apparently when youre on death row you have a certain amount of time to say your last words OR sometimes you cant speak at all  
Moo juice: which raises the question: what are they going to do to you if you do speak? Kill you?

Cindyella: have you been watching death row youtube videos again

Moo juice: something else i find funny is on your last day youre put on death watch so you dont kill yourself  
Moo juice: no you cant kill you we want to kill you

Sallicious: what a buzz kill

Moo juice: how dare

Spidey squad

  
Moo juice: [trump made a poll like dude wtf](https://rogue-aces-with-maces.tumblr.com/post/620647783609794560/objactively-acoldfrenchfry-fauxlidae) yall know what to do

(b)abe: when trump loses his shit over the poll results on twitter can somebody send the screenshots

Moo juice: yes

Nedward: will do

Beter man: “i can not believe the democrats would joke around about something as important as me. i can ensure you, the real American people will rise above the phonies. 😡” - trumps twitter  
(b)abe: did he really because i cant tell if this is satire

Beter man: its fake i just wrote it but its scary how believeable this looks

Nedward: wait wait replace phonies with antifa terrorists

Moo juice: the fact that the president tweets like a 12 year old boy that got rejected for nudes,,, scared me

aVeNgErS aSS-eMbLe

Beter man: does anybody else really like the smell of onions  
Beter man: like  
Beter man: o n i o n s

Tiny stank: i like cooked onions?

Beter man: raw onions

Clont: raw makes me cry

Beter man: they smell good

Tiny stank: NO

Beter man: idk why they make people cry  
Beter man: because they smell really good

On your above: ARE YOU OKAY??

Beter man: THEY SMELL GOOD

Tictac: they b u r n

Beter man: t h e y d o n t

Tiny stank: are you satan??

Beter man: n o p e  
Beter man: smell good

On your above: you fill me with rage

Clont: this reminds me of the time natasha was trying to intimidate steve so she was going to take a bite out of an apple while making eye contact  
Clont: but she grabbed an onion instead

Tictac: oh NO

Clont: and bit into it

lAnGuAgE: THAT WAS TRAUMATIZING

SPYder: how do you know that was an accident?

lAnGuAgE: SHE ATE THE WHOLE ONION RAW WHILE MAKING EYE CONTACT

Beter man: teach me your ways

Clont: because you looked vaguely surprised then resigned then determined

lAnGuAgE: there was no expression on her face

SPYder: thats what you think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried posting the images but it was complicated and i think it used code and idk how to use code so *shrug*  
> support black lives matter or i'll boil your elbows :)  
> donate if you can, sign petitions, protest if you can  
> thanks for reading!! please please comment


	27. heeeeeeey yall

Hey yall. I know its been over a month since I last posted and I just wanted to tell yall that this fic is completed. I had a ton of fun writing it but a few weeks ago my interest in the MCU really nosedived and I'm just not into it anymore. I might write more for the fandom, or add onto this if I feel like it, but for now it's done. Thank you so much to everybody who commented and gave kudos, I love you all <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im copy pasting this message into the other fic in this series, no need to read both


End file.
